1. You may not attempt intercourse with me as I queue at the cashpoint/supermarket/Ministry of Interior. Personal space, innit.
2. Yes, plastic surgery, hair removal salons and idol-style TV programs are OK. But you are ordered to partake in some of the more mundane "developing world" stuff: manners, personal hygiene, and basic driving skills, for example.
3. Goldstar and Maccabee are no longer to be referred to as Beer.
4. Pavements are strictly for pedestrians, not for parking your flash new SUV or for speedy delivery lads on scooters. Offending vehicles will be scratched "innocently" by a passing pram.
5. It is not compulsory to shout on your mobile while in the lift.
6. You are allowed to answer your mobile when it rings; you do NOT have to stare at it with a blank expression for 30 seconds or so before answering.
7. It is now compulsory to look behind you when opening a door. Perhaps, just perhaps, somebody is behind you.
8. Bowls of sunflower seeds are not to be given to tourists when visiting your workplace/home.
9. Switching across 4 lanes of traffic at 100kmh in the space of 50 metres is no longer permitted. Unless, of course, you indicate, because then it's OK, innit, you bastard...
10. Women over 50 are no longer permitted to dye their hair blond and wear tight black/leopard skin leggings.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
1. You may not attempt intercourse with me as I queue at the cashpoint/supermarket/Ministry of Interior. Personal space, innit.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
I am pooped. Been a busy few days and everything seems to be happening at the same time. Yesterday morning I even made a list of calls to make and things to do, something I never do. And did that list get completed - actually yes, but every fucker and his dog seemed to be conspiring against me. Everybody wants a piece of the anglosaxy and there just ain't enough to go round...
There are some interesting things going on...I'm preparing for life after Corridor Land (more to come...), while the school in smallsville seems to be blossoming rather nicely. Still haven't sold the school down south, though have two parties pretty much fighting over the scraps. C Land is starting to worry me over the layoff compensation, with complaints that I made mistakes on a 20 page document that had to be edited and converted to a white paper in 4 hours, but fuck them...if they're looking for excuses, they'll find them...
Anyway, loads more to come, and some interesting news on the picture front...and don't forget this week's What the hell am I, still open...
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
O, my fave vodka-toting Ruskie had a run-in with the fuzz at the weekend (go read her version, it's in English and yes, we forgive her for her mistakes, she no longer has an English cellmate...), at the Shantipi Peace Festival. Yep, a Peace Festival, where you'd expect peace and goodwill to abound. And possibly the odd joint...
Monday, May 28, 2007
Waking up in the middle of the night and coming face to face with a leopard in your bedroom, you'd jump on it, of course you would...well, at least this guy did. I presume he was wearing his Superman pyjamas...
"He immediately leapt on the animal, grabbed him by the neck and asked his wife to call the Nature and Parks Authority (NPA)."
...the religious guy whose "victory sign" party trick obviously won over the boss. He and Corridor Land should get on well. Not sure the "handing over" period will be much to my liking with such an irritating fuck...but at least I'm finally moving on out, just got to set the final date...
Sunday, May 27, 2007
After watching the start of the latest Kochav Nolad (Pop Idol equivalent) series, it's alarming to realise that there really are some fucked up individuals out there...so many people think they can really sing and think they have the charisma to become the next big thing, and yet don't realise they are being set up for national humiliation. Quite quite disturbing. And scarily funny at the same time...and no, I won't be watching it to the bitter end...
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Some things I've picked up along the way...and to which I humbly admit to the superiority of the Israeli brain...
- All English speaking tourists are rich. And most are Jewish.
- Don't touch foreign pills and medicines.
- Jews are the most intelligent people in the world - just look at the number of Jewish Noble prize winners.
- The Irish are great, especially their Guinness.
- All Europeans are anti-semites. Apart from the Irish.
- Swedish women are the sexiest women in the world.
- Pursing your lips and sucking in is a winner with the local women.
- The Eurovision Song Contest is totally anti-Israel. Apart from the Irish.
- If somebody is dying in the middle of the road, drive round them.
- Car indicators really are a pointless invention.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Not too sure about the words on this one, but it looks like a song/poem of some sort, about feeling tired with tiny muscles that fail in their words (eh?), but hey, drink another cup of coffee...somebody has obviously been puffing something...
Monday, May 21, 2007
OK, the favourite restaurants meme is coming your way, thank you the artist.... Would have been easier if it had been pubs, but still, I'll add an alcoholic slant...
1. Add a direct link to your post below the name of the person who tagged you. Include the city/state and country you’re in.
Nicole (Sydney, Australia)
velverse (Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia)
LB (San Giovanni in Marignano, Italy)
Selba (Jakarta, Indonesia)
Olivia (London, England)
ML (Utah, USA)
Lotus (Toronto, Canada)
tanabata (Saitama, Japan)
Andi (Dallas [ish] Texas, United States)
Todd (Louisville, Kentucky, United States)
miss kendra (los angeles, california, u.s.a)
Jiggs Casey (Berkeley, CA, USA! USA! USA!)
Tits McGee (New England, USA)
Kat (Ontario, Canada)
Cheezy (London, England)
tafka PP (Jerusalem, Israel)
anglosaxy (Tel Aviv, Israel)
2. List out your top 5 favorite places to eat at your location.
(PP rightly labelled me a Tel Avivian, so The City That Never Sleeps - here we come!)
1) Kai, Ramat HaHayall. We like saki, really. The sushi is class, too, though I don't really know my Nigirizushi from my Oshizushi. I just go with what looks good as it passes my table on the revolving thingimajib.
2) Brewhouse, Rothschild Street. Haven't been here for awhile, but always impressive, those copper pipes and urns, or whatever you call 'em. Bit pricey to be honest, but always a good place for "homemade" beer, some pipin' hot horseradish and a spot of jazz on a Friday afternoon...
3) Tapeo, HaArbaah street. I love the sangria here, knocks my socks off after 2 or 3 large glasses. Food ain't bad either, loads of tiny portions that leave you wanting more.
4) Giraffe, Ramat HaHayall. I'm a big noodles fan, but my heart is always won over by the rather juicy Portobello mushroom starter...always goes down well with a pint of something.
5) This one is for the missus: Cafe Aroma. Yep, they're springing up like frozen yoghurt outlets (72 of the feckers throughout Israel apparently), but they do serve a nice, fresh sarnie, and mrs anglosaxy is a firm fan. Even smallsville has an Aroma, although only in the last couple of months. Most used and abused in Tel Aviv: probably the one in Ibn Gvirol street, corner of Pinkas. Didn't spot any alcohol, though admittedly wasn't looking - I promise I'll do better next time.
I just wanted to give an honourable mention to the sadly departed Nargilla restaurants that used to be everywhere in Tel Aviv. Nothing like a 5am malawach topped with mushrooms and egg after a hard night's drinking...sadly missed (the hard night's drinking that is...).
3. Tag 5 other people (preferably from other countries/states) and let them know they’ve been tagged.
I'm sorry, this took way too long so I won't force anybody else to go through this. Except for shlemazl over in Canada. He likes memes. Hee hee. Sorry mate!
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Great fun sitting in on some of the interviews for the sucker who will eventually take over from me. So much fun that I've decided to share the process with you - who would you choose (and yes, guess who my boss likes the most...)?
- The religious guy with a football team of kids (yes, really, that many). His party trick: when my boss showed the video capabilities of the product, which involved the switching on of her webcam, he suddenly saw himself sat next to me onscreen. So, what does he do? That's right, he leans over and does that little victory sign thing behind my head. Well, I dunno about you but it almost forced a slap out of me.
- The very smelly (or was that just his cheesey jacket) journo type who has never heard of Windows Messenger (I'm sorry, that's Windows Live Messenger) and has no idea how to make a screen capture. I mean absolutely no idea...
- Newbie lad, who has one year's experience, doesn't know Word (C Land's weapon of choice) and is not mother-tongue, but wow, can he make pretty headers and footers.
- SandalMan, the settler who dusted off his backpack when producing a CD of example docs (the CD didn't work of course, probably too much dust...). I have a feeling he's more at home with his vegetable patch. Not bad, apart from the inability to button it.
One thing I've learned...you Americans really have no idea when to stop talking during an interview, do you? I mean, don't take offence, but shut the fuck up and let my boss get a word in...
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Six months have passed since my favourite little girl came into our lives. She's a diamond, sleeps all night and is a real giggler. Gotta love the juniorette. I hereby declare it Juniorette Day, which shall mean copious amounts of swigging, preferably something very alcoholic...
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Monday, May 14, 2007
Oooh, what do I do?
The 9 final episodes of the Sopranos have hit the screens and I've still yet to see the first half of the final series (why the fuck did they split the final series into two parts?). Meanwhile, mrs anglosaxy is only on season 2 (via DVD), and I'm stuck, enjoying those old episodes but wanting to know just how it all wraps up...so, despite all the trailers and the repeat showings, I guess I'm going to have to just get me hands on some, er, downloads from the InterTent (or whatever you call it), after everybody else has seen them. I've bought seasons 1 and 2 on DVD, but at 200 shekels a pop, am no longer willing to support Tony and his crew's extravagant lifestyle...
'Scuse my French, but the Sopranos is fucking class.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
The new place in Tel Aviv is growing on me. I like it.
The neighbourhood is luverly, and even the neighbours are luverly (remember Sharon from Kchi Oti Sharon?). The only cloud in our lives is the commandant living on the top floor (the building has 3 floors, we're on the second). She obviously has no life whatsoever because she has taken it upon herself to bug the shit out of us.
On our first days there we put a couple of plant pots outside our front door - this was met with a swift tut-tutting and a request to leave just one pot outside. OK, fair enough. I mean, two plant pots is really pushing it...and would lead to possibly double the number of water drops on the ceramic floor, which, again, was brought to our attention. We really should aim better...
Of course, being busy people with lives, we failed to water the plants in the one remaining pot and death was soon upon them. This was brought to our attention by 'er upstairs, who was quite distraught at the scene of decay outside our front door - "Please move the pot inside your home, it looks disgusting...". So, we bought some flowers, planted them...and have let them die again...
All these petty little incidents have been brought to mrs. anglosaxy's attention, as she was more at home than moi. I'm now waiting my turn to meet 'er upstairs, because I can be quite an arse sometimes and somebody needs to bring it to her attention that she really should get out more...
Friday, May 11, 2007
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Popped down to Africa last weekend, was bloody amazing. Did a safari*, saw loads of zebras, rhinos, hippos, giraffes etc etc. Could bore you with tonnes of animal pix, but this one summed it all up nicely, especially the line of cars you can see in the background.
* Of course, the line of cars in a safari could only belong to an Israeli safari...the Ramat Gan safari, a bumper to bumper joyride. Give it a miss on a Saturday...
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
A word I keep hearing from parents lately - shi-ta (method). The golden buzzword. I'm not sure half of them know what they're looking for, they just want to be convinced that they're snotty nosed urchins will be fed some kind of program/method.
"What's your shi-ta?"
"Do you have a proven shi-ta?"
Well, you know what, my shi-ta isn't exactly patented, but it seems to work OK. I get a lot of referrals, and the kids are happy. The adult students maybe even more so. I've tried to find the middle-ground and think that largely I've succeeded.
What I have learnt however, is that you can't keep everyone happy, whatever you do. Somebody is always going to be unhappy with your efforts. Fuck 'em. They can go to Wall Street, Berlitz and find a more known shi-ta. Not that their shi-tas work any better than mine, but p'raps they know how to market theirs (and have the budget to) a whole lot better. The little shittas.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
She's back! OK, she's been back for a few days now, but I've let you down with my failure to post this sooner...and I can't think of anyone better to advertise a Chocolate telephone (eh?). Oooh Sandy, I'll nibble your handset, just say when...
And for those of you wanting more...
Monday, May 07, 2007
This is extremely hard for me to say [ puke, vomit ], but you have to agree that Manure deserve their title. Chelski kind of blew it, while my beloved Arsenal were nowhere to be seen, despite some glimpses of amazing footie. The future be bright at the Emirates, with lots of great young talent, but when will it come to fruition? I'm not so sure it'll be as soon as next year...
Champions League final - Liverpool or Milan? I say Liverpool...
Yes, Knafeh. I've fallen in love with the stuff. 16 years in this country and this last weekend I tasted it for the first time...I know, but ain't it lush lush lush! Nice cup o'tea (no milk of course) plus a couple of rolls of knafeh, ahhhh.
Sunday, May 06, 2007
Went to see Nurit, the astrologist who has a regular spot on the Odetta show on Channel 10. Nurit also happens to be the mum of Kinky, a good mate of mine. Not sure I believe in all the "aligning of the stars" stuff, but she did pick up on a lot of things...mrs anglosaxy was freaked out by some of the stuff she mentioned, considering that she was bang on the nail with things only me and the missus had discussed, including time abroad in the future. But things are looking rosy, very rosy in fact.
But it was bloody strange to hear her talking about our kids' futures and their personalities...juniorette has yet to utter her first word and she's already a globetrotting hippie, a very friendly one at that. Junior is apparently a mummy's boy, though once I get him truly converted to a Gooner, that will cease. Maybe. He's also very intelligent, because in "soul terms" he's over 200 years old. So, obviously, he's picked up a few things along the way, like you do. So we've been told to give him lots of respect, as befit an elderly chap. Yeh, riiiighhhht!
Friday, May 04, 2007
Thursday, May 03, 2007
In my quest to get those wee Corridor Land severance funds, my task is to lick arse for the next month or two (I don't have a leaving date specified yet). Not too much of a problem, well, at least from these first couple of days it looks doable. I also agreed to help them find my replacement, which involves sending out the same ad I discovered a while back, my boss has just forwarded it to me. It's still dated January - I'm almost tempted to ask her about the date of it, just to let her know that I know...but I got arse to lick, so...come on suckerrrrs, this is one hell of a job, come and get it!
It feels good to finally have made the move. I know it's the right decision, even though they may well screw me over the severance money. Fuck 'em, at least I know I came out of this the right way, not exactly smelling of roses, but head held reasonably high. And inside, deep inside, it just feels good. Time for new things.
[ Lick, slurp ]
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
I'm going in to the boss's cave for "a chat"...and despite the second thoughts that were creeping in this morning, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do....
10, 9, 8, 7, 6...
UPDATE: It's official, I'm a quitter! The boss was surprised and even choked back a tear, bless 'er. I'll be around the corridors of Corridor Land a little longer, I'll even interview people for the job (suckerrrrrs!). Severance pay, of course, is another issue, as it's "not her decision". And I have to wait until my very last day before I know. Utter bollox.
But anyway, here's to my new life! [ clink! ] The world suddenly seems that little big bigger...