Wednesday, August 30, 2006

THE ULTIMATE COLLECTION: You know you've been in Israel too long when...

  1.'re in a lift and don't even notice the guy yelling into his cell phone.
  2. ...someone says 'snack', you think: watermelon.
  3. can't tell the difference between a Goldstar and a Tuborg.
  4. put your luminous safety jacket (required by law to be in-car) over your car seat.
  5. start supporting Brazil during a World Cup.
  6. eat sabras (prickly pear), seeds n'all.
  7. don't blink when handed an alcohol free cider drink.
  8. start advising your host how to cook his/her barbeque meat.
  9. have an amusing army anecdote and weren't even in the army.
  10. think nothing about queueing to get into a coffee bar.
  11. call a chocolate cake a "kushi" (black/negro) cake.
  12. queue for yeasty products once Pessach breaks.
  13. shout up from the street at a friend living on the fifth floor.
  14. start to enjoy shoddy service and make repeat visits to a place where you are repeatedly shafted.
  15. ...your second sentence is "How much did it cost?"
  16. wear flip flops to weddings.
  17. even start wearing Crocs.
  18. buy a Sarit Hadad disk.
  19. actually play the disk a few times.
  20. ...matkot (beach tennis) is your main form of exercise.
  21. talk wayyyy louder than is necessary.
  22. no longer wait in line, but go immediately to the head of the queue "just to ask a question".
  23. ...all tourists look the same to you.
  24. spaces make you nervous.
  25. hear Wham's 'Last Christmas' in August and don't even flinch.
  26. find state-employees helpful, knowledgeable and friendly.
  27. ...all your mother-in-law's friends have been plasticly enhanced.
  28. think nothing of eating in the street, humus dribbling down your chin.
  29. can't put a proper sentence together in your native language.
  30. pay those pesky kids to clean your windows at every junction.
  31. aren't aware that one is supposed to pay for software.
  32. ...a PhD in Nuclear Physics fluent in 4 languages cleans your house for a pittance but she is from the Ukraine so it's all right.
  33. use the word "Nu" at least 10 times when listening to a friend's story.
  34. no longer ask yourself why there are so many jeeps in this country.
  35. find that it saves time to stand and retrieve your hand luggage while the plane is on final approach.
  36. start clapping when the plane lands.
  37. regard traffic signals, stop signs, and indicator levers with equal disdain.
  38. accidents become a source of heartwarming humour.
  39. forget that the other person needs to finish speaking before you can start.
  40. arrive 30 minutes late for a meeting but still manage to beat the other meeting attendees.
  41. ask how much people are making and expect people to answer.
  42. are the last of your original group of friends still in Israel.
  43. ...your idea of a larger home is an extra 10 square meters.
  44. can swear fluently in Arabic.
  45. buy a thick winter coat on October 1st.
  46. wear your new winter coat on October 2nd.
  47. ...your family stops asking when you'll be coming back.
  48. buy a water cooler.
  49. leave the plastic wrapping on your new car's seats.
  50. ...knives and forks feel, well, strange.
  51. get homesick for a pita stuffed with felafel and tehina when away from Israel.
  52. no longer laugh at the angles of metal scaffolding.
  53. wear body hugging t-shirts to show off your love handles.
  54. know enough Hebrew to make Israelis laugh their socks off.
  55.'ve killed at least 100 cockroaches with your favourite 'killing' shoe.
  56. look at the local women/men and start fantasising about Scandinavian women/men.
  57.'ve seen Midnight Express, Hair and The Princess Bride at least 5 times each.
  58. know the words to Hotel California.
  59. shorten supermarket to 'super'.
  60. consult your English dictionary far more than your Hebrew dictionary.
  61. ...everything seems normal.

And with that, I'm off. Time for some shnorkel (snorkelling) and quality time with the missus and junior. See you in a few days.