Sunday, December 31, 2006

Bye bye 2006

Back in time for some serious duty-free purchased whiskey swigging, it's time to say goodbye to 2006. I'd do a review of my year but such a lot seems to have happened, it'd bore you, and me, stupid if I listed it all here.

So, let's just say it was an interesting one - the family has expanded (and contracted, bye bye Zeddy boy), the business empire is developing, and Depeche Mode didn't make it.

Happy New Year!

Loads of pics on their way...

Thursday, December 21, 2006

"...and there's no need to be afraid..."

Right, that's it, I'm off to sunny England. Off for plenty of crisp, frosty (foggy?) mornings, beer, chocolate and plenty of shopping. Bring on those turkey sandwiches and pickled onions!

Happy Christmas to you and yours!

What the hell am I? #19

Just to keep you busy for the next couple of days...

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

THE ULTIMATE COLLECTION - PART 2: You know you've been in Israel too long when...

Continued from here.

62. know it's just plain stoopid to go to a Tel Aviv beach on a Saturday.
63. rent in Tel Aviv and don't balk at paying $1000 for 45 square metres.
64. answer the phone with a feisty "Allo".
65. no longer know how to drive round a roundabout.
66. know the names of the models plastered on the enormous building-size posters along the Ayalon highway.
67. drive abroad and instead of opening the window you change gear.
68. start humming along to crappy Israeli hip-hop (hinneh ani ba...hinneh ani ba...).
69. leave exactly 2cm between you and the person in front of you at the cashpoint queue.
70. start calling your plumber 'my brother' (Ahi!).
71. use your work phone for important idle conversations.
72. can say the Hebrew letters Het and Chaf without bringing up phlegm.
73. are no longer baffled as to why similar Israeli businesses congregate in one street.
74. ...your favourite websites are homeless and the marker and you wait expectantly for each edition of taanglo to hit your inbox.
75. tell a friend you might have a job for them.
76. take a mango and a tub of humus with you on holiday abroad, just in case.
77. turn down a job because it means a 20 minute commute.
78. think the Israeli version of "Whose line is it anyway?" is funny.
79. ...your weekly shopping basket includes sour cream, halva and soup almonds.
80. don't even open your window to acknowledge the pump attendant when filling up at the petrol station.
81. loudly complain while queuing at the supermarket that "they need more checkout girls".
82. admit to owning at least one black Kenvelo FBI t-shirt.
83. think Maya Boskila is attractive.
84. and your mates/family have a barbeque on a traffic island.
85. empty your ashtray out of the window while driving at 100kmh.
86. take a taxi and give street by street directions to the driver.
87. tell your boss that "hiyeh beseder (it'll be ok)".
88. go to your local corner shop in your briefest of boxer shorts, tea-stained vest and, of course, sunglasses.
89. ...people who haven't seen you for months don't ask where you've been.
90. drive with your left hand while your right hand is caressing the headrest on the passenger seat.
91. ask people what their problem is simply by shaking your palm-raised, fingers spread out hand at them 3 or 4 times (the ma karah action).
92. panic when the first winter rains fall in October and put all your t-shirts on the inaccessible top shelf.
93. ...your 3 year old neice has never met you.
94. think that Israeli chocolate tastes better than your Home Country's.
95. think nothing of waiting for the policeman to finish his call to his mother before asking him/her for directions.
96. blast your horn, shake your fist and shout Ben Zonna at someone having the nerve to reverse out of a parking space in front of you.
97. bottle feed your baby, play with your infant and row with your wife. While driving down the Ayalon freeway.
98. remember the names of the nurses in the maternity ward upon each visit to your local hospital.
99. listened to the hourly radio news broadcasts for the latest on Benny Sela.
100. ...
you can come up with 100 solid gold reasons why you know you've been in Israel too long...

Monday, December 18, 2006

"...includes spacious garden balcony"

Welcome to the world of Tel Aviv househunting...

Sunday, December 17, 2006


You can call me Soofy (of course, short for sufganya - doughnut). My doughnut count stands at 6, which isn't bad after Thursday's soof-fest, but I feel a binge coming on...

And with Christmas coming next week, I really will return from Blighty a feckin' sufganya...

It's been...

...3 years since I was last in England. 3 bleedin' years. Can you believe it...that is a fecking long time, if you ask me. Will those pesky Brits still understand me? So, to check whether or not my accent still works, I'm going home at the end of this week for a spot of Christmas malarkings. Me and Junior only, a "lads weekender".

Need my Christmas fix badly - that's right ancestors, stuff me silly with turkey, chocolates and booze, play me soppy Christmas Carols, and shop me till I drop, I promise I won't whine...

Thursday, December 14, 2006

You fat bastard

Oh Feck, it's not even officially Hanukka, it's only 10.20am, yet I've already had 4 of these little blighters this morning...

It's been...

...15 years but I finally did it.
Last night, I watched Pour Sacha (in Hebrew it translates to the glaringly obvious "We Loved Laura"), the movie in which I did a spot of extra-ing. And there I was, in all my glory, shooting my Uzi at imaginary Arabs, a couple of seconds of true movie magic. Well, it had mrs. anglosaxy laughing anyway. Don't tell her, but I think I've fallen in love with Sophie Marceau, is she gorgeous or what? But how come she wasn't around when I launched my acting career? Not very supportive of her fellow actors, I guess, but then, she is French...

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Flash git

Aw, fuck! Last night the speed cameras down south caught me as I was speeding. I caught the bastard flashing at me in my mirror, as I glanced at my speedometer tipping just over the 110km/h mark (in a stretch of 100km/h road).

Somebody's just told me that it's a straight 1000 shek fine plus points on my license. Anyone can confirm this? Feckin' steep if you ask me, considering I was only 12/13km/h over the limit, but I guess the Israeli police need all the money they can get what all those parties celebrating Benny Sela's capture...

[ Filed under: another reason to get rid of the school down south asap... ]

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Monday, December 11, 2006

50 big ones

Tonight it's the draw for the 50 million shekel lottery (bastards have a Russian site but no English). Fantasies abound, I have to admit. It might not sound quite as much in Blighty pounds (around 6 million), but hey, give me 6 quid and I'll be laughing.

I even signed up for a lottery subscription recently, around 60 sheks a month, but haven't seen a shekel. After speaking to someone last night who has had a subscription for 30 years and never had a result, I'm quite tempted to dump it. But it's all luck, right? Either you've got it or you ain't.

Anyway, first thing I'd do with 50 million - I'd rent out the most expensive, luxurious hotel room in Tel Aviv, pamper myself and the anglosaxy tribe with endless trays of exquisite foods and beverages and then get a financial advisor to come in and plot with me how to throw it all away!

What's the first thing you'd do with 50 mill?

Sunday, December 10, 2006


Ride past me and you too can have strange objects growing out of your head...

The Familia

The one bonus of these sleepless nights is my accessibility to the reruns of The Sopranos. I never caught it previously, though it was always one of those series that I quite fancied but always just missed out on.

The other night I was strewn dozily all over the sofa with juniorette plonked on my chest when I suddenly woke with a start (and a line of dribble down my chin). I grabbed the remote and flipped through a few channels, before coming across the intro music to The Sopranos. Checking the programme's info, I was delighted to see it was the very first episode, followed by the next four episodes. Never mind that the last episode finished at 4.45am, I was watching 'em all.

And watch them all I did. Now we're still only on series 2, but I'm hooked. And never mind the fact that I'm knackered, because each episode gets shown 3 times a night. This often means I watch the first few minutes at 11.30ish, fall asleep until juniorette's next feed, watch another few minutes during the second screening before konking out, and then grab the closing moments during the next feeding at 4-5am.

Yep, this is my life at the moment, but don't worry, it's only temporary [ kneels on floor praying... ].

Bleedin' good series and I don't think you can get better casting than James Gandolfini. He scares me when he gets pissed during the show, he's one big fecker...

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

The situation is...

...that Down Sowf, things aren't going quite as I'd like.

It's proving hard, if not impossible, to replace Bitch Teach. My requirements aren't too demanding, an English speaker with a pulse would be fine, but they are proving hard to come by. Loads of willing Ruskies abound, while the odd, and I do mean odd, native speaker turns up and astonishes me with another crazy life story. Really, and I don't mean this to sound nasty, but why do all the fuck jobs seem to end up Down Sowf? I'm not looking for perfection, but the teachers that have come my way scare the shit out of me, I know I wouldn't be too happy leaving my kids in their hands...

And because of my failure to sign up a teacher, both schools are suffering. I'm splitting my time between the two locations (plus Corridor Land of course) and what with constant 13-14 hour days, no longer have the time or energy to concentrate on flyers, marketing, phone calls etc...

Which means that I'm coming to a point where something has to give. Because sooner or later my body is gonna konk, especially with sleepless nights thrown into the mix. I'm coming to the conclusion that I have to sell the school Down Sowf if a teacher doesn't turn up in the next month or two. Which saddens me, because, after all, it is profitable and has potential.

So does this make me a cop out who can't handle the pace or a smart businessman who knows when to get out...?

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

The Irish bar(s) will have to wait...

The anglosaxy tribe will be returning to Tel Aviv...but not for another two months. We got an extension on our current place that gives us another two months, which actually helps us out A LOT. So homeless and yad2 have been given the cold shoulder for the moment, but I'm sure we'll be back there at the end of this month. Though from what I saw over the last few weeks, it's going to take some work to find the right place...there are some seriously shitty places out there going for a whole lot of dosh...

Monday, December 04, 2006

Babysitter 4 Hire

I know I shouldn't really do this, but fuck it...

Irresponsible adult seeks babysitting work.
Guaranteed to leave your kids 'home alone' until 2am while secretly going to the pub. Can also leave your sleeping infant with total strangers while in search of a cup of coffee. Additional options of pipe smoking and ouzo intoxication (for your infant).

For further information, contact anglosaxy's father-in-law.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Sleepless in Smallsville

Aaaand he's back...After a total of 1 hours sleep over the last 2 nights, I'm on a strong diet of Turkish coffee this morning. Plus chocolate chip cookies.

I won't tell you how wonderful it is to be a Dad to 2, because, quite frankly, it's hard work. I won't even mention the first week of juniorette's arrival, with myself and junior disgustingly sick (lots of seriously smelly nappies...and that was just me...). Only the mother-in-law kept us going those first few days. I know, hard to believe, but those mother-in-laws come in handy sometimes.

I would have posted more pics, it's just the computer at home has gone on maternity leave...the bastard. So no Internet for a couple of weeks, except for the couple of afternoons when I was teaching in Smallsville.

Anyway, 'tis good to be back. Things will hopefully be getting back to normal round here pretty soon, just a teeny slice of patience and I shall be flooding with you with useless daily posts and pics. Coz I have a lot to say and show...