Tuesday, December 19, 2006

THE ULTIMATE COLLECTION - PART 2: You know you've been in Israel too long when...

Continued from here.

62. ...you know it's just plain stoopid to go to a Tel Aviv beach on a Saturday.
63. ...you rent in Tel Aviv and don't balk at paying $1000 for 45 square metres.
64. ...you answer the phone with a feisty "Allo".
65. ...you no longer know how to drive round a roundabout.
66. ...you know the names of the models plastered on the enormous building-size posters along the Ayalon highway.
67. ...you drive abroad and instead of opening the window you change gear.
68. ...you start humming along to crappy Israeli hip-hop (hinneh ani ba...hinneh ani ba...).
69. ...you leave exactly 2cm between you and the person in front of you at the cashpoint queue.
70. ...you start calling your plumber 'my brother' (Ahi!).
71. ...you use your work phone for important idle conversations.
72. ...you can say the Hebrew letters Het and Chaf without bringing up phlegm.
73. ...you are no longer baffled as to why similar Israeli businesses congregate in one street.
74. ...your favourite websites are homeless and the marker and you wait expectantly for each edition of taanglo to hit your inbox.
75. ...you tell a friend you might have a job for them.
76. ...you take a mango and a tub of humus with you on holiday abroad, just in case.
77. ...you turn down a job because it means a 20 minute commute.
78. ...you think the Israeli version of "Whose line is it anyway?" is funny.
79. ...your weekly shopping basket includes sour cream, halva and soup almonds.
80. ...you don't even open your window to acknowledge the pump attendant when filling up at the petrol station.
81. ...you loudly complain while queuing at the supermarket that "they need more checkout girls".
82. ...you admit to owning at least one black Kenvelo FBI t-shirt.
83. ...you think Maya Boskila is attractive.
84. ...you and your mates/family have a barbeque on a traffic island.
85. ...you empty your ashtray out of the window while driving at 100kmh.
86. ...you take a taxi and give street by street directions to the driver.
87. ...you tell your boss that "hiyeh beseder (it'll be ok)".
88. ...you go to your local corner shop in your briefest of boxer shorts, tea-stained vest and, of course, sunglasses.
89. ...people who haven't seen you for months don't ask where you've been.
90. ...you drive with your left hand while your right hand is caressing the headrest on the passenger seat.
91. ...you ask people what their problem is simply by shaking your palm-raised, fingers spread out hand at them 3 or 4 times (the ma karah action).
92. ...you panic when the first winter rains fall in October and put all your t-shirts on the inaccessible top shelf.
93. ...your 3 year old neice has never met you.
94. ...you think that Israeli chocolate tastes better than your Home Country's.
95. ...you think nothing of waiting for the policeman to finish his call to his mother before asking him/her for directions.
96. ...you blast your horn, shake your fist and shout Ben Zonna at someone having the nerve to reverse out of a parking space in front of you.
97. ...you bottle feed your baby, play with your infant and row with your wife. While driving down the Ayalon freeway.
98. ...you remember the names of the nurses in the maternity ward upon each visit to your local hospital.
99. ...you listened to the hourly radio news broadcasts for the latest on Benny Sela.
100. ...
you can come up with 100 solid gold reasons why you know you've been in Israel too long...