Line up line up

So, it's official, I'm an unemployed bum. I signed on a couple of weeks ago and this week was my first visit to the finger scanner. Oh yes, technology galore these days, you just place your finger on the scanner, wait for the OK and then get a little slip that tells you whether you need to go and see a clerk who may have a job for you or whether you can go home (nice little home icon!). But first, you have to wait in the bleedin' long queue, there's a lot of unemployed Tel Avivians out there!

For the first time in my time in Israel, it has to be said: Israel has grasped the queue concept (just maybe). I was quite impressed with the orderly fashion and speed in which they got through the line. Oh yes Israeli bureaucracy - we feckin' love you!

And you will be relieved to know that I got the home icon.

Waltzing Bashilda

Managed to squeeze a viewing of Waltz with Bashir into my busy schedule today. A great movie, and considering I don't usually enjoy Israeli movies, that's a big compliment. I loved the animation, the soundtrack, the story. Not a surprise that this has won a Golden Globe already and is tipped for Oscar stardom. Go see.

It's Hannukah, so to Roladin off we go...

Donut (and yes, I know it should be doughnut) season again as Hannukah hits us once again...and the only place you can possibly buy donuts is, of course, Roladin. Last night, I took the kids for a donut splurge and bought 8 of the nasty little buggars, 50 shekels in total, but wow, what a box! I would have paid more just for the box, let alone have donuts inside...

So, here they are, in all their donut splendour - look away now if you're weak of heart or disposition...

And you see that far right one? Yummmmm. Butterscotch....the one on the left is with arak(!), that'll be tested tonight...

And on a more serious note, here's a pic of junior's homemade hanukkiah (candleabra), with a touch of Christmas (the green and red) thrown in (I made it with him in the kindergarten)...

Desperate or Dastardly?

Received a phone call this morning. Guess who it was? Nah, you'll never guess. It was my corner shop guy, the shop just across from my school. I have a tab there and always pay up each month. It's usually a miniscule amount, though this month reached the mighty sum of 99 shekels. So, of course, he called, just to check I was coming in to settle up.

Now, I'm not sure whether he's taking the piss or is in fact a master businessman. Because to chase me up for 99 shekels (about $30, give or take a shekel), when he knows I always pay up on time and in full, seems a little off. I just thought about the 5 bills I wrote up for 12,000 shekels, money owing to me from the last few weeks of freelancing and I kinda smirked. Though smirked uneasily when I realised that he probably is spot on, at least he's demanding his money on time and chasing it up, whereas I usually end up waiting an extra month or 2...

Eilat

Eilat, this is what it's all about...

Down sowf

Off to Eilat for a few days, you might just catch me at the beach below, my favourite Eilat beach, snorkel in one hand, beer in the other...

And a Happy Jewish New Year to all of you (kicks off tonight with the big supper-like extravaganza)! May it be sweet-and-apple-dipped-in-honey-like (the year, not the supper)!

Macca's alright!

Well, the show was great in the end. Paul McCartney was just a few metres in front of me (OK, quite a few metres), a Beatle, a living fecking legend. At one point, he threw in some very ropey solo songs that nobody knew (one guy in front of us even fell sleep on the grass, only to wake up for the encores) and, frankly, were complete tosh. But when he pumped out the classics, feck, they were good! Hey Jude accompanied by the crowd, who were left singing on their own until the band came back on stage for yet another encore, Live and Let Die accompanied by a firework show, and Give Peace a Chance were my faves. 40,000 turned up for the show, some paid very big bucks to see this, we of course, paid absolutely nothing...though some guys got even luckier than us...

Macca, I had my doubts you could still do it, but I was proved wrong. I may actually go out and buy another Beatles CD now...and although his wishes for peace might be a bit naive, there's just something blood-tingingly amazing about seeing so many people scream and shout as one, so perhaps he ain't so naive. Maybe music is bigger and more powerful than all that politics and religion shite...

This is the opening of the show, the screams are giving me goosebumps every time...

Now it's Macca's turn...

First of all I have to say that my wife is a complete koosit (luscious babe). The koosit of all koosits. The mother of all koosits. This week she was being a very koosit kind of girl with some customers at work (oooh, that sounds a bit naughty innit) and they were so impressed with her service that they simply handed over two free tickets to Paul McCartney's show in Tel Aviv this Thursday. Well, that's my missus' version and she's sticking to it. These tickets are worth 900 shekels, so I presume the service was deluxe. Extra special. Extra koosit.

Anyway, this summer has been pretty cultural for the old anglosaxies. First it was the Stranglers and Blondie, then Morrissey accompanied by the New York Dolls and Assaf Avidan (bought his disk by the way, pretty decent). Now a Beatle. Not bad at all. Even though I'm not particularly fond of Macca, it's a night out, live music and there'll probably be some kind of beer on sale. What more could you ask for? Ah right, a koosit by your side...well, I got me one of those!

Big Bollox

There you go. There was a time when Israel took years to catch up on the latest trends and fads enveloping and suffocating the Modern World. And then, somewhere during the 90s I guess, Israel slowly started catching up. Films released in the Modern World were released almost simultaneously in Israel (in fact, they even started getting ahead of Blighty at one point). Mullets slowly disappeared. And beers other than Goldstar, Maccabi and Carlsberg started showing their faces in Israeli bars.

But then, for some strange reason, Israel decided to get real. Real as in reality. Which meant a slow catch-up process once again with the rest of the Modern World. A first run of Survivor earlier this year, which we all know was watched by the anglosaxies. Now, it's time for the turn of Big Brother. Yes indeed, in its 9th glorious season in the UK, 10th in the States and eaten up by 70 other countries, it's now time for the Holy Land version.

Can we stand the excitement? Oh yeh. Can you? Kicks off tonight...aw feck...

Bye Abie

Abie Nathan, RIP. One of Israel's more colourful characters, most noted by moi for his Voice of Peace radio station, which I spent many a night listening to in my early days in Israel (manning hostel receptions overnight, while chatting with gorgeous, nutty, drunk Israeli girls). This guy was a real pioneer of peace, and even flew for the British Air Force. Bless 'im.

I was your Grandaddy, Daddy and Murderer

The big story in Israel these last couple of days is this harrowing tale. Yes, the girl's grandfather is also her stepfather. White trash city. My heart bleeds for the little girl. I say hang the lot of 'em. Fuckers.

Rule Britannia!

OK, so I'm not catching a lot of the Olympics, apart from news highlights in the evenings. But doesn't it feel good to be British? Oh yes, we are a sporty nation once again. Third in the medals table, behind the mighty China and US of A, with some very inspiring performances. Most, if not all, of the names are anonymous to me, and there seems to be a distinct lack of personalities that were always around in previous Olympics. Names like Coe, Ovett, Cram, Thompson, and Christie, aahhh those were the days...or is it because the current crop of winners are excelling at sports not exactly geared for prime-time TV? Me, I'm a big 4x100/4x400 relay fan, I will be trying my best to catch those live.

As I'm writing this I see that Israel has just clinched its first medal of the Olympics, a bronze in the windsurfing. With that Israel surges into 69th place in the medals table. And as the guy pushed a Brit into fourth place, I shall be having words with him - his parents are friends of the father-in-law.

Not that I'm knocking Israeli sport, but this made me laugh. Arik Zeevi, Israel's big gold medal hope in the judo, on his failure to convince: In the days before the competition, I cried too much, like a pregnant woman. Yes indeed.

H for Haifa

Augustus Ripoffus

August in Israel is damned hot and sticky. For parents of toddlers it gets even hotter and stickier while the private kindergarten industry takes 3 weeks off and spits our wee ones back into our arms...

Now, I'm not one to deny anyone a break, because for fuck's sake, small business owners in this country deserve any break they can get. But, I think it's a bit fucking cheeky that we get charged for this month. They work one week and get paid the full month. And they're a private business, it's not like they're a government run place. And it's not like I can take my business somewhere else, because they've already signed us up for the next year and taken cheques. And anyway, there is no somewhere else, as all the private kindergartens apparently do this (unless you know otherwise?)...

Of course, if we want, we can register for their kaytana (summer school type thing), which is in the second week of August (when they are officially on holiday) but of course, it'll cost us an extra 1500 shekels or so per kid. What the fuck is that all about? Really, I mean, August is hot and sweaty enough without the additional headache of trying to make sure the kids are taken care of...

Oh fuck. Where are you September?

Potentially addictive

I've noticed the new Bamba (apparently created to celebrate Israel's 60th birthday) on the shelves of my local sooper (supermarket) the last few times I've been there. And to be quite honest, the thought of Bamba filled with nougat kind of made me want to heave. Yesterday I went with the two littl'uns and after a little prodding from them, I went for it and got a bag. What can I tell you, it's not quite the sacrilege I thought it might be. In fact, it's pretty bleedin' tasty. In fact, I had to divert the kids' attention while scoffing down the rest of the bag. And no, I won't tell you how many bags made it into our trolley.

Slap me silly

I think the ultimate sign that you know just what you are doing in this country is when you buy a watermelon. It might be in the shuk, it might be in your local supermarket, or it might even be on the side of a highway. But if you don't know how to handle a watermelon, you're still just ranked as a silly tourist. Because it's all in the wrists you see. It's that slap or 2 with your preferred hand as you hold the watermelon in the other hand that shows you can cut the mustard. It takes years of practice, dedication, and perhaps a slice of luck. But once you can pick out a tasty watermelon from the pile of duds via a slap or two, you know you can hold your head up high.

Me, I only ever buy half a watermelon at a time, so I rarely get to practice my Benny Hill slap. And when I do get to slap, I'm still not sure I've got a clue what I'm up to...

Give a guy a camera...

And this is what happens. Not sure why OM would want to focus on a boring grey pole, but let's just be thankful he couldn't focus properly...probably distracted by something or other...

And if you are the owner of this rather gorgeous bum (oh yes, click to big), please get in touch with us here at anglosaxy. We will require extensive proof, of course...

Disgusting stuff.

Let me out you bastards!

I was chatting with an Israeli friend who had been relocated to the States for a couple of years. We got chatting about driving, like you do, and the thing that most got this returning Israeli pissed was the fact that when reversing out of a drive or parking space, no fucker in this country lets you out...they'll beep and get pissed, widly swerving round u...but will they wait 3 seconds while you reverse and make your merry way? Will they fuck...

Quite funny listening to an Israeli getting pissed at Israelis though...

Israel Israeli

It was my first time there last night, but I have to say, if you want an authentic Israeli experience, go to Dr Shakshuka (in this clip the good Dr shows us how to make shakshuka) in Yafo. Just avoid the Thursday night Flea Market experience if you can during July, because the traffic is a bleedin' nightmare. And don't stay after 1am, because the waiters start wailing Greek lullabies into the microphone...not sure if that's the "right you lot, we're closing" signal, or they are genuinely trying to woo the crowd...but the food is great, and cheap.

And to wrap up your experience, there's nothing like one of these crossing the road in front of you to make you feel warm and safe...yes, a robot on its way to check a suspicious package down the road...

Who should we get first?

I'm sorry, but the guy in this story is a fucking disgrace. If that had been my family the guy wouldn't be breathing today. Driving in Israel is always a challenge, but with guys like this, it becomes a lottery. His current attorney's statement that the permanent revocation of his client's driver's license was "not a proportionate punishment" is a fucking joke too. Not sure which one should be sliced and quartered first...