Monday, October 16, 2006

I know I'm not truly British anymore because...

  • I lean on my horn way too much.
  • I've worn a tie once (my wedding day in Blighty) in the last 15 years.
  • I don't drink pints, I drink half-litres.
  • I don't give way to just've got to indicate!
  • I don't just tag on blindly to a queue. I ask, I charm, I show junior off (always works).
  • I've not worn a suit since I left my job in England back in 1990.
  • My accent - nobody ever guesses I'm from England anymore. It's always South Africa or Australia.
  • I hardly ever use a knife AND fork.
  • I have never seen an episode of Big Brother, X-Factor, Strictly Come Dancing...
  • I have never known a British TV set with more than BBC1 and 2, ITV and Channel 4.
  • I never have milk with my cup o' tea.
  • I no longer jump in the sea (the Med) in December...or November.
  • I don't moan about the weather during the winter.
  • I have never owned a brolly in Israel.
  • I buy more than "half a cucumber" at a time (usually a kilo or 2 - they like 'em small in Israel).
  • I "zed" my "esses". Like in specialize, realize...
  • I never eat cereals (Weetabix/Corn Flakes/Shredded Wheat etc) for breakfast.
  • I'm no longer 6'4, I'm now 1 metre 95.
  • I had to google Richard 'Hamster' Hammond, upon hearing of his recent accident.
  • I usually fart from my ass, not my arse.

“Being British is about driving a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign!”