New Rules for Israelis

1. You may not attempt intercourse with me as I queue at the cashpoint/supermarket/Ministry of Interior. Personal space, innit.

2. Yes, plastic surgery, hair removal salons and idol-style TV programs are OK. But you are ordered to partake in some of the more mundane "developing world" stuff: manners, personal hygiene, and basic driving skills, for example.

3. Goldstar and Maccabee are no longer to be referred to as Beer.

4. Pavements are strictly for pedestrians, not for parking your flash new SUV or for speedy delivery lads on scooters. Offending vehicles will be scratched "innocently" by a passing pram.

5. It is not compulsory to shout on your mobile while in the lift.

6. You are allowed to answer your mobile when it rings; you do NOT have to stare at it with a blank expression for 30 seconds or so before answering.

7. It is now compulsory to look behind you when opening a door. Perhaps, just perhaps, somebody is behind you.

8. Bowls of sunflower seeds are not to be given to tourists when visiting your workplace/home.

9. Switching across 4 lanes of traffic at 100kmh in the space of 50 metres is no longer permitted. Unless, of course, you indicate, because then it's OK, innit, you bastard...

10. Women over 50 are no longer permitted to dye their hair blond and wear tight black/leopard skin leggings.