Bleedin' 'eck, 40. So, OK, time for my pipe and slippers. And Sunday newspaper, my dear chap. And time for 40 things I should or shouldn't have done over the past few years...
- I shouldn't have gone for that extra spicy Thai chicken curry in Bangkok. It really did burn on its way out.
- I should have kissed Angela's sister, despite our rampant teenage dancing to A-ga-doo doo doo.
- I shouldn't have thrown that wicked water-bomb from a Tel Aviv balcony.
- I should have left Corridor Land a whole lot earlier.
- I shouldn't have slept on that nice green rug in Tiberias (actually a traffic island).
- I shouldn't have had that "one last beer" in the MASH bar after downing a bottle of vodka.
- I should have steered clear of the big chef's niece while working over the summer hols at an Eastbourne hotel.
- I shouldn't have stolen that deckchair with the big chef's niece (the undercover cop who politely suggested we put it back kind of confirms this).
- I shouldn't have got into that late night taxi alone with that overly friendly gay taxi driver on my last night in Cyprus.
- I should have avoided that buxom lass with the twinkle in her eye in the Ego Trip bar.
- I should have elbowed that guy barging into the queue in front of me a lot harder.
- I shouldn't have gone skinny dipping at midnight on a Tel Aviv beach (with a naked French girl by my side, I might add) during jellyfish season.
- I shouldn't have had that chocolate ice-cream with that last beer with the same French girl - big impact on performance...
- I should have read the small print on my scooter insurance instead of naively believing the insurance agent.
- I shouldn't have written obscenities on the blackboard after footie training at my junior school. I got found out (Deano cracked and spilled the beans, the bastard)...
- I should probably have cried harder after getting caned by Mr Clark for writing the obscenities mentioned above...
- I should have put more sunscreen on over the years instead of relying on my in-built timer.
- I should have left Israel back in '96, when I had the chance!
- I should have re-started my gym membership a whole lot sooner - 3 years of sitting on my arse and doing no sport took its toll.
- I shouldn't swear so much, especially around the kids, but that's me...
- I shouldn't have called that kid in my class "Jude the Jew", but everyone was doing it and what the feck did I know...
- I should have showered the missus with more flowers and slushy stuff over the last 3 years, but two little monsters have kind of gotten in the way...
- I should have taken that job on an Eilat pleasure boat back in the early days. Hell, they were paying 5 sheks an hour!
- I shouldn't have hoodwinked my nature class at junior school with my fake bird's nest, built by my own fair hands. Looked pretty authentic though!
- I should back up my computer so much more. I just know a whole load of pix are gonna be lost forever and yet I still do nothing...
- I shouldn't have lied to me Mum about being out of Tel Aviv during the Gulf War and Saddam's scuds, when I was actually right in the heart of Tel Aviv.
- I shouldn't have been so nice to Natalie when I so obviously wanted her friend Kim. Kiss chase was never quite the same again...
- I should have started my web entrepreneurship a long time ago. I could have been a mwillionaire by now!
- I shouldn't have taken on that other school in Ashdod. I was running before I could really walk.
- I shouldn't fart so much. One day I know that something like this will happen...
- I shouldn't get so wound up when driving in this country, and really shouldn't give the finger so much, but you know what it's like...
- I shouldn't have screamed obscenities at the woman who questioned my riding my scooter on the path leading up to her front door.
- I should have kept in touch with so many people...
- I shouldn't get so excited about Arsenal beating Man United, but it's pure pleasure, especially after the last couple of weeks...
- I should have gone to university after my A levels.
- I should have gone for the menage a trois with those two Israeli girls, but come on, I was a wee lad...and scared shitless!
- I shouldn't have sold my PlayStation 2, but it 'll be a good excuse to get PlayStation 4 or 5 when Junior starts getting interested...
- I shouldn't have laughed when I heard the Nazi commandant from the floor above had broken her jaw. But at least it'll keep her quiet for a bit...
- I should have taken my wedding ring off before going surfing.
- I really shouldn't have had that last beer on my 39th year and 363rd day...but it was a pre-40th birthday bash, so...