Big Dicks

The salesman said "Hold a dick in your hands" without even blinking. Spotted somewhere in south Tel Aviv.

School's out

After trying to find a buyer for the school over the last few months it looks like I'm going to let it just run out its lease in the summer and get the hell out. I do have another interested buyer, but she appears to be just like the rest - why is it that all interested parties seem so uninterested and so void of enthusiasm for taking on a new venture? I swear, if you have an ounce of business umph in you, and you like teaching, this place could be a goldmine. But I don't care anymore, the school is just sapping my energy where I need it in other places...

Another reason why I'm losing interest: customers who don't pay on time. I have one woman, we (I send a teach there) go to her house (just down the road) and teach her and then her son. She currently owes me 4 months money and her last reason for not giving me the cash was that she didn't have any cheques. And yes, this woman is the BANK MANAGER of one of the biggest banks in Israel. I called BOLLOX on the "no chequebook" story and went bonkers on her over the phone. Or at least I left her a nasty message, because she's not answering my calls either, the bitch. Frankly, she is a pain in the ass client, always has been, but because of her lauded position as a bank manager she really is a nasty piece of work. But I won't let her get away without paying, don't worry. I have no shame in going to her door and demanding it.

As you can see, a drain on my energy, which is being put to its limits elsewhere...time for me and the school to say Ta-Ta!

Don't know about you but I can't wait til the 10th of May

You coming?

Stuff you can't get on Facebook and Twitter

Blimey, time flies dunnit! Here I am, back in the Holy Land for a few days, busy as a bee but forgetting to let you know...smack my wrists baby, smack 'em! Anyway, some brief updates for you, stuff you can't see on my Facebook, Twitter or website...

• Enjoyed Blighty a lot. I want to live there for a bit. Fuck the economy, we can make it over there. Maybe.
• That snow was feckin' amazing.
• Am now officially unemployed in Israel, but yet to sign on at the dole office.
• Open Spacey have sacked my old boss too. I didn't shed a tear.
• Miss my company Ford Focus, now driving the wife's Applause.
• Enjoying Tel Aviv's centenary deal for over 70's - they get free parking all over Tel Aviv, so I've been busy abusing the old blue and white kerbs. The wife's car is registered in her father's name, in case you were wondering.
• Have just purchased my first website, and plan to create another one and buy more. The empire is expanding. This could be my new profession.
• I'm doing way too much laundry at home. But still the wife is on my case. It's OK, it's her job.
• Am thinking that blogging as we know it is dying. That pesky little Twitter is going to take over the world. Maybe.
• Purim. Kids. Costumes. Expense.
• Met my old pal O this week for a coffee (it was too early for a beer). She's now a coach and hobnobbing with the rich and famous.
• Am very tempted to cancel my cable TV subscription. Very very tempted.

May God and a wee dram of Jameson bless you all!

As per Michael Jackson, I'll be back for my Farewell tour too. Or should that be a Comeback? Who cares, you haven't got rid of me just yet!

Nation of Dog Lovers Indeed

I love England!

Off to sunnier climes

Yeh, right. Sunny climes, that'll be England alright. Anyway, I'll be sure to have my sunglasses ready for the dazzling sun as me and junior land in Heathrow later today. Yep, a lads weekender (actually just over 3 weeks), the boys are off to hunt while the women stay at home. I'm going to be checking things out a little bit to see if Blighty is still worth the effort. Not sure this is the right time of the year to be doing this, but timing-wise, everything has fallen into place at the Israel end (give or take a botch job by the Ministry of Interior's amazingly crap online passport service, which managed to postpone this trip by a week or two), so...

Going to miss juniorette like crazy, maybe even the missus, but also looking forward to some time away from the Holy Land. Should help me sort my head out, maybe once and for all. Either that or it's a labotomy.

So take care me lovelies, I'll probably be tweeting and igoogling quite a bit, so if you get lonely over here you know where to find me...

Waltzing Bashilda

Managed to squeeze a viewing of Waltz with Bashir into my busy schedule today. A great movie, and considering I don't usually enjoy Israeli movies, that's a big compliment. I loved the animation, the soundtrack, the story. Not a surprise that this has won a Golden Globe already and is tipped for Oscar stardom. Go see.

Isn't this supposed to be pink?

So got my dismissal papers on Thursday. I was extremely disappointed that they weren't pink, as sayeth the legend. But, of course, not exactly unexpected. I even had a "hearing" where I got to say what I wanted. I didn't dish the dirt too heavily, but threw a barb or two at my immediate boss. And if my immediate boss thinks I really give a shit about his hard times (oh dear, you've been demoted to 60%), he really hasn't learnt a thing about me over the last year and a bit. And fuck those illusions of solidarity - who are you trying to kid? I know he shmoozed and bullshitted his way into keeping some sort of a position at Open Spacey because it's waaaaay too comfortable for him to give up...and I also know that he's totally looking out for himself in other ways, fuck the underlings...

Anyway, I'm just waiting for my passport from the Israeli Ministry of Interior to arrive and then me and junior are off to Blighty for some footie and chocolate and beer. And to check a few things out. But more of that later. In the meantime, it's down the gym again and again, footie on the TV, beer...oh dear, I can sense a pattern forming!

Gooners in training...

"Don't worry bruv. It's all gonna come good, promise! And so what if we don't win anything for a few years? Just 5 more years and you'll be legible for the schoolboys innit, and we've all seen you volley my Dora dolly behind the sofa countless times, so, come on bruv, keep it together... Hang on, what's that in your ear? Bamba? Daddy? Daddy, I want Bamba! Dadddddy, I want Bambaaaaa!"

And now, the time has come...

So, the credit crunch has come to roost round my way. Kind of indirectly, but in the last few days, very expected.

After rumours spread by washerwomen (largely my direct boss, the rumour mongerer supreme) that Open Spacey was about to go belly up, a hastily arranged meeting yesterday surprised most of us. The company was selling out to an American company with much deeper pockets, but, unfortunately a few people were probably not needed. Namely the Technical Writing department, me and my boss, plus maybe another one or two.

Another meeting today, filled with ultimate management speak bullshit, informed me that my chances of staying employed with this new company are 60-40 against. Now, I'm no manager, but isn't that one hell of a pep talk! Keeping me motivated to the very last...fuck 'em.

I'm not upset by this move although I was hoping I'd still have a job for the next 2-3 months while I head over to England for a quick trip. But I'm amazingly positive, the missus was a bit shocked when I told her last night but soon saw that everything will work out.

If it does mean the end, which I'm entirely convinced it does, I'm sure something else will turn up. I also have the school where I can take over more teaching, a semi-regular freelance gig etc. Let's face it, there are people in far worse situations than mine.

Viva la anglosaxy!

Twittering on

Wow, was that really my first beer of 2009 this afternoon? Holy Moses...

So, in my attempts at taking over the Inter world, I've gone and got twittered. I'm not sure of the benefits and have a feeling it's just another time waster, but it's one of those tools that you have to try, especially if you're trying to get the word out on the Web. Quite interesting that you can come across the tweets of people like John Cleese and Jonathan Ross (presuming they're kosher, innit).

So, if any of you out there are twittering on and feel like following my escapades, feel free to click on the Twitter icon below. I promise to reciprocate. Maybe.

End of year wrap up

It's been a strange old year, ain't it.

On the personal front, I feel like things have been bubbling along nicely. I've been hectic, what with the school, the Tech Writing, building a website (or 2), playing "bumpy road" with my kids (they climb on top of me and then I jiggle them wildly about, they love it!), coddling the missus way too much, going to the gym, etc etc...

While the world economy has collapsed in the last few months, I've seen no sign of it at the school, but have a feeling it's just about to strike in Open Spacey. When one of the big bosses asks you to review his CV and over lunch tells me that he's 100% sure that there are BIG changes on the way (they actually closed the Israel branch a few years ago), you have to wonder. I'm not really that bothered, because my comfort zone is about to be shattered anyway, real soon...

And Israel was doing so nicely, a record year for tourism, confidence still relatively high despite the economy, before deciding - not before time - to bomb the feck out of Gaza. Leaves a smidgeon of depression hanging over the end of year, and as the missiles get closer to Tel Aviv, perhaps even a little scary...

Yep, 2009 is going to be an interesting year. For a start, I very much doubt the anglosaxies are going to be in Tel Aviv beyond April. And it could be much further afield, you'll just have to wait and see...a visit to the homeland in the coming weeks should decide the direction we take.

Anyway, wishing you a very Happy New Year! Drink safely! And drink lots! Oh Gawd, it's only 9.20am but I feel a need for some Ouzo...

Happy Christmas from the Holy Land!

Aye, so Happy Christmas to you and yours!

Have a great day, whatever it is you be doing...the kids are on holiday over here because of Hannukah, so not sure how relaxing and Christmassy it's going to be...but alcohol and mince pies are my intended domain, with a long distance call to Blighty somewhere around half cut o'clock.

Yesterday me and the missus hopped over to Jerusalem and toured the Old City, just to get a bit spiritual and seasonal, and touristy. I did my Barack Obama impression at the Western Wall and stuffed my prayer amongst those mighty cracks, while the missus was quietly (very) impressed with the Church of the Holy Sepulchre...it's been years since I last visited the Old City and I have to say, I loved it, despite the chilly, blustery wind. Very inspiring...if you can handle the cheeky little Arab kids in the Muslim Quarter...

It's Hannukah, so to Roladin off we go...

Donut (and yes, I know it should be doughnut) season again as Hannukah hits us once again...and the only place you can possibly buy donuts is, of course, Roladin. Last night, I took the kids for a donut splurge and bought 8 of the nasty little buggars, 50 shekels in total, but wow, what a box! I would have paid more just for the box, let alone have donuts inside...

So, here they are, in all their donut splendour - look away now if you're weak of heart or disposition...

And you see that far right one? Yummmmm. Butterscotch....the one on the left is with arak(!), that'll be tested tonight...

And on a more serious note, here's a pic of junior's homemade hanukkiah (candleabra), with a touch of Christmas (the green and red) thrown in (I made it with him in the kindergarten)...

Tis the season...innit?

Well, got my online Christmas shopping done, what a long, hard slog that was...or not...but I know that Christmas shopping in Blighty, if I ever get to do it, will never be the same for me, especially with the demise of Woolies. Ahhh, pick n mix, what a classic.

And the Christmas tree is up, with tinsel placed strategically round the house. But still waiting to hear my first Christmas song, would you adam'n'eve it. I've just been so busy, haven't had time to pull out the songs and get a listen in...

Last night I took the kids on a Christmas tree hunt in Tel Aviv. I was targeting the main streets of Yafo as I'd heard there were a few places selling trees, but the roadworks down that way and the heavy traffic put paid to any Christmas festivity. We ended up doing the ultimate Christmas thing in the Holy Land: eating felafel, made by Israeli Arabs, sat next to a hungry pack of street cats...the kids enjoyed themselves anyway!

And what do you say about this post about Christmas in the Holy Land? It's about time you met my baby, though please excuse the holes, still in progress innit...

as woz ere

[tap] [tap]
Hello, anyone there?

So, you still here?
Me, yes, I'm fine lovies, thanks for asking.
I know, I know, you've left me in dribs and drabs, but I'm still here, I swear.
What can I say, it was all because of me bleedin' C drive. Left me high and dry it did.
But all is fine and dandy now innit.
And I've got that freelance gig out of my hair.
But Open Spacey looks dodgy. Well dodgy. January sales will happen.
New website is taking shape.
Kind of oblong-like at the moment.
And what is it about Big Brother that is grabbing people, including the missus?
Is Yossi really going to win?
Does that mean the Ugly Israeli is back big time?
Facebook says no.
I say Itay.

No return to C Land

Well, for those of you interested, the day before I was supposed to start working for Corridor Land they called and told me they thought they had found a replacement for the twat who had taken over from me (those of us who know, know he's a twat). I was scheduled to be a stop-gap for a few weeks/months until a more permanent replacement was found.

And to tell you the truth, I'm bleedin' relieved. It would have been a few extra shekels, which is always nice, but it would have stretched me silly. At present, I'm rolling into bed at 2am every night after working on my new website (soon to be websites) and have just taken on a new freelancing gig with one of my old customers. So feck knows where I would have managed to squeeze C Land in...

One thing I have managed to squeeze in to my schedule is the gym - 3 times a week I'm pumping iron baby! Or trying to pump iron...OK, I just look at the barbells and convince myself that next week I'll start with them...But, I have to say, I feel much better these days, a lot fitter and healthier, despite the shitload of work on my shoulders at the mo. Eating a lot of fruit too, 'tis the season of oranges and avacados and grapefruit innit.

And look at Ingerlund go. Future world champions, no doubt about it. Missed the game, but sounds like they were all over the Old Enemy. Go Capello!

2 to the Ella!

It's a very big Happy Birthday to my little princess. She hits the big 2 today. A big mane of hair that can come up behind you and wrap her arms around you, or scream and shout when she doesn't get her away (boy, does she know what she wants!), or purse her lips and melt me in an instant, or suddenly launch into a half-boogie in her car-seat when I stick Depeche Mode on...have a great day darlin'!

* Not the best shot because this young lady is very hard to snap. She's always on the move and just when you've got her in focus, she'll look away. Hence the half-stoned look above...

40? Nah, not me mate!

Bleedin' 'eck, 40. So, OK, time for my pipe and slippers. And Sunday newspaper, my dear chap. And time for 40 things I should or shouldn't have done over the past few years...

1. I shouldn't have gone for that extra spicy Thai chicken curry in Bangkok. It really did burn on its way out.


2. I should have kissed Angela's sister, despite our rampant teenage dancing to A-ga-doo doo doo.


3. I shouldn't have thrown that wicked water-bomb from a Tel Aviv balcony.


4. I should have left Corridor Land a whole lot earlier.


5. I shouldn't have slept on that nice green rug in Tiberias (actually a traffic island).


6. I shouldn't have had that "one last beer" in the MASH bar after downing a bottle of vodka.


7. I should have steered clear of the big chef's niece while working over the summer hols at an Eastbourne hotel.


8. I shouldn't have stolen that deckchair with the big chef's niece (the undercover cop who politely suggested we put it back kind of confirms this).


9. I shouldn't have got into that late night taxi alone with that overly friendly gay taxi driver on my last night in Cyprus.


10. I should have avoided that buxom lass with the twinkle in her eye in the Ego Trip bar.


11. I should have elbowed that guy barging into the queue in front of me a lot harder.


12. I shouldn't have gone skinny dipping at midnight on a Tel Aviv beach (with a naked French girl by my side, I might add) during jellyfish season.


13. I shouldn't have had that chocolate ice-cream with that last beer with the same French girl - big impact on performance...


14. I should have read the small print on my scooter insurance instead of naively believing the insurance agent.


15. I shouldn't have written obscenities on the blackboard after footie training at my junior school. I got found out (Deano cracked and spilled the beans, the bastard)...


16. I should probably have cried harder after getting caned by Mr Clark for writing the obscenities mentioned above...


17. I should have put more sunscreen on over the years instead of relying on my in-built timer.


18. I should have left Israel back in '96, when I had the chance!


19. I should have re-started my gym membership a whole lot sooner - 3 years of sitting on my arse and doing no sport took its toll.


20. I shouldn't swear so much, especially around the kids, but that's me...


21. I shouldn't have called that kid in my class "Jude the Jew", but everyone was doing it and what the feck did I know...


22. I should have showered the missus with more flowers and slushy stuff over the last 3 years, but two little monsters have kind of gotten in the way...


23. I should have taken that job on an Eilat pleasure boat back in the early days. Hell, they were paying 5 sheks an hour!


24. I shouldn't have hoodwinked my nature class at junior school with my fake bird's nest, built by my own fair hands. Looked pretty authentic though!


25. I should back up my computer so much more. I just know a whole load of pix are gonna be lost forever and yet I still do nothing...


26. I shouldn't have lied to me Mum about being out of Tel Aviv during the Gulf War and Saddam's scuds, when I was actually right in the heart of Tel Aviv.


27. I shouldn't have been so nice to Natalie when I so obviously wanted her friend Kim. Kiss chase was never quite the same again...


28. I should have started my web entrepreneurship a long time ago. I could have been a mwillionaire by now!


29. I shouldn't have taken on that other school in Ashdod. I was running before I could really walk.


30. I shouldn't fart so much. One day I know that something like this will happen...


31. I shouldn't get so wound up when driving in this country, and really shouldn't give the finger so much, but you know what it's like...


32. I shouldn't have screamed obscenities at the woman who questioned my riding my scooter on the path leading up to her front door.


33. I should have kept in touch with so many people...


34. I shouldn't get so excited about Arsenal beating Man United, but it's pure pleasure, especially after the last couple of weeks...


35. I should have gone to university after my A levels.


36. I should have gone for the menage a trois with those two Israeli girls, but come on, I was a wee lad...and scared shitless!


37. I shouldn't have sold my PlayStation 2, but it 'll be a good excuse to get PlayStation 4 or 5 when Junior starts getting interested...


38. I shouldn't have laughed when I heard the Nazi commandant from the floor above had broken her jaw. But at least it'll keep her quiet for a bit...


39. I should have taken my wedding ring off before going surfing.


40. I really shouldn't have had that last beer on my 39th year and 363rd day...but it was a pre-40th birthday bash, so...

Wot? Still 'ere?

Aye, I'm sorry for not updating regularly over the past few weeks, just been a tad busy with a whole load of things. I see my readership has dwindled away a bit, and understandably so.

This blog is still alive, don't worry, I'm not going to kill it off just yet. Though it will probably take a bit of a beating when I launch my new website, probably at the start of December. Oh yes, a new website to amaze and delight you! Actually, probably not...because for most of you it won't be that relevant. More to tell soon...

And I haven't been hiding away because of an impending 40th birthday. Honest guv. But bleedin' 'eck, it came round a bit sharpish, innit. I'm having a few drinks on Friday night with a few friends to celebrate, and then a bit of a picnic on Saturday afternoon (but that could be tricky with Arsenal playing Manure...), and then Sunday I shall be wallowing in a hungover state on my actual birthday...because, although feeling young, I'm starting to look like this geezer...


Good post coming up on Sunday...be warned!