Er, Yes!

Amir Peretz was asked what is the opposite of "Yes" in English.
His reply: "Hot".

Stolen from mrs anglosaxy, who stole it from a TV show over here...you gotta know your Israeli cable/satellite companies to appreciate this one.

Pete Doherty spotted on Tel Aviv beach

The Wall

Early one morning...the living room wall...

Get me outta here!

I just don't know how I'm supposed to get sacked from Corridor Land. Really. After doing pretty well nothing for the last month, and I mean nothing, my boss informed me yesterday that I have no deadlines for at least another 4 months. The deadline that was a biggie at the end of April has been moved to August due to their fuck-ups. So my thinking that at the end of April they'd realise that I haven't done anything and get rid is now totally shot to pieces. What, stay another 4 months I hear you shout...?

Just don't know if I can hang on much longer, even for all that cash...It's coming down to a couple of factors: 1) Despite all the bullshit they've pulled over the years, I should be above and beyond C Land's games, right? I mean, it's actually pretty hard to do fuck all and feel good about it...and 2) Is this the kind of advice I want to give my kids? Yeh, that's it, just sit on your arse and wait for them to sack you...

I'm slowly leaning towards resigning...I know, I know...I could lose a fair pile of cash, but fuck it, life is short and this is getting beyond a joke. I hate that I'm whoring myself for the holy dollar, even though I think I deserve those dollars. I have work alternatives lined up, I'll be OK, so fuck it, for my own self-respect...

Getting the Skinny

Ladies, I'm sorry, those new "skinny" jeans. They just ain't working. Seriously, there are many beautiful women in this country, but I've yet to see a pair of skinny jeans flatter any of them. And, the real question, what happens when you fart? Just where does that fart go?

Allenby III

Happy Independence Day!

Lots of Israeli flags fluttering around these days, including on our balcony...this pic is from Rokah Street.

One is a Gooner

Yes, indeed, cucumber sandwiches all around. And Phillip, please do turn the volume up, I do so love those after-match interviews Sir Arsene gives.

Allenby II

Some Allenby St. architecture. I love contrasting old with new, you might have noticed...

The Confused One

Yesterday we bumped into Yuval HaMelbulbal (Yuval the Confused) while crossing the road in Tel Aviv. If you don't have kids in Israel you probably won't have a clue who he is - let's just say he's a kiddie superstar, on a par with the Teletubbies at the height of their fame. The missus embarrassed us all by claiming "I never usually do this, but my son is crazy about you...", so Yuval treated Junior to his own private "shakshuka". Junior was in shock, he only realised who it was after he'd gone...

*Ha! From the post title, I bet you thought this post was going to be about me...!

Allenby

Some pix of Tel Aviv coming your way, in and around Allenby Street.

Call me stoopid, but I have a feeling that this pub/club might just be men-only...but can you guess what goes on in the rooms above the club (the rooms with the window open)?


An advertising pillar in Allenby St. I knew a girl who once climbed up on top of one of these and fell in, doing herself some serious damage. But do any of them actually house something, or are they solely for advertising?

It was hard not to get inspired...

Just heard a story. One that stokes the fires.

Around 3 years ago, an Israeli couple (late 20's) moved to a Central American location to free themselves from the rat race. With $2000 they opened up a small business and within 2 years it was flourishing. They had a kid. Yep, over in "third world" Central America. Over this last Christmas, the husband took a nap one afternoon. He never woke up. The wife is staying on.

Her reasoning: despite all the pain, she feels she's actually living for the first time in her life.

I say: way-to-fucking-go.
I'm arranging a meet-up with the missus...just to fire up her imagination...

Juniorspeak

I now have another language under my belt - Junior Speak. Here are some of his favourites (he does have a wider vocabulary, these are just his funniest):

Muma-mah = no
Muma-maaaaah! = no fucking way
Bada = outside
Bukka = biscuit
Babba = saba (grandad - the Israeli version)
Ido = avocado
TooToo = train
Rrawwgh! = lion
Porter = water
Wheel = whale
Up = pick me up
Uuuuup! = look, you might well pay the meshkanta (mortgage), but pull your fucking finger out and pick me up!

Cock-a-doodle-do

"What's tavas in English?"
"Peacock"
"What?"
Evil twinkle twinkles in eye...
"BigCock"
"BigCock?"
"Yes..."
[ shouts to junior ] "Junior, look at that BigCock over there. Isn't he beautiful?"

After saying BigCock three times, I think it slowly dawned on mrs. anglosaxy...anyway my hysterics sure gave the game away. OK, I got a slap, but it was worth it. We occasionally rib each other with our language errors but this was a classic!

This or that? Or a bit of both?

OK, so with Corridor Land fast coming to an end (hopefully - well, my impression of an Italian employee at his peak is cult viewing - and think about it, do you think I have the time at home to do all this blogging?), I've been checking out my options. Because it's not like I can sit on my arse and not work, what with the two little nippers eating us out of house and home.

The option of staying in Tech Writing excites me as much as watching England play, possibly even less...but, you have to admit, there aren't many places where I'm going to pick up the same salary and perks (the car being the biggie). And finding a writing job that is vaguely interesting, for a vaguely interesting company, will probably be nigh on impossible.

I actually went for an interview a few days ago. It was a great boost for the ol' ego, as the two interviewers knew me (well, only one I had previously met) and were keen to grab my services. I actually felt very relaxed about the interview, didn't feel like I had to "impress" anybody. And I'd feel almost no corporate bollox as I'd be working there freelance. For a second, maybe even a few seconds, I almost saw myself there, churning out user guides aplenty...freelance raises an important issue, however - tax. Without going into details, going freelance would change the tax status of my schools, and I'm not 100% sure this is the way to go...though if the freelancing pulled in a fair few shekels, I could go for it.

Relying on the schools (well, really now just the one in smallsville) for a decent income is also not an option - they make a small profit, but I still can't live off of them. I even swang the big business carrot in front of mrs. anglosaxy, but she didn't bite. Basically, I suggested that I take 3-6 months to really give the school in smallsville a go, full-time. The missus almost took the bait, but in the end her Jewish Momma survival instincts took over - why is it that the she sees things like this as a step back, and I see it as a realignment? No, not even a realignment, an opportunity. I also saw the chance to see my kids more, because the option of going with the school full-time means there'll be a free few hours here and there. And something that I've learned over the last couple of weeks, what with the Pessach holiday and all, I've fallen in love with my kids in a big way and love spending time with them.

Right now though, it looks like it'll be a bit of juggling the two once more - a new Corridor Land and the school in smallsville...but if I'm completely honest, I feel that leaving the old and stinky Corridor Land will open doors for me elsewhere. I really feel that changes are afoot, including changes that I'm not even aware of yet. Which is fine by me. Ch-ch-ch-changes.

Kerr-chinggg!

Ever wondered why there are so many of those ads from companies that claim they can get you a tax refund? In Israel they're everywhere, not sure about Blighty. Anyway, a few weeks ago a company called me up and said they'd check it out, no obligation on my part, only if I get a refund would they take a cut. Yesterday I got a call, a refund equivalent to over a month's salary is on its way! Yeehaa! Come on over, the beers are on me!

You've got a luverly pair of bananas

You ladies and the shit you go through, eh? The line "Yellow material with the texture of banana puree came out" I find a little disturbing...and guys, are implants really that different? I've not had any "hands-on" experience, yet...ahem...

What the hell am I? #26

Flower boy

Spot the real flower...

Time traveller

Finally managed to finish off The Time Traveller's Wife, after maybe a year of stopping and starting. Very good story, once it got going, but you can tell the gender of the author from the ending...now moving on to Tuesdays with Morrie. As passed on by O, who is on a mission to "free the love within me", or something like that...

Sunrise on the balcony

Taken a couple of mornings ago.

Cookie monster

This Passover holiday always kills me - it's not like I observe the non-partaking of yeasty substances (mrs anglosaxy does), but the lack of good cookies / cakes always amazes me. Yep, those nutty cookies really don't do it for me, and as for the coconut ones...is there even such a thing as a decent cake / cookie during this week or should I just keep smuggling in the contraband? Not long to go now anyway, but, for next time...

This must be stopped!

"Hello, this is Eran from the National Lottery..."
[ heart suddenly races into overdrive ]
"Er, yes?"
"We have a new program for subscribers, which...bla, bla, bla..."

Bastard! For a second there...

Fuck it

Bat Zonna. The teacher down south called on Sunday to tell me that she was feeling ill and would be flying back to Europe. On Monday. Nice of her to give me some warning. Would she be coming back? Erm, I don't know. I tried calling her back but her phone was switched off. Right, fuck you. The locks are changed, once again.

It must seem like I'm some kind of tyrant with the turnover I'm having...but let me tell you a couple of things about the deal she had: I paid half her rent and let her keep all profits. I wasn't doing this for the short-term financial gain, I wanted the school down south to turn into a franchised branch, so was prepared not to make any money, for now. And yes, I've also read the ESL horror stories about school owners in places like Korea and China, who are mostly complete and utter shites. I can guess why they turn out like this if these are the kind of people they employ. No re-fucking-spect.

The school is now up for sale. I just can't be fucked to deal with this (make that deal with more idiots who call themselves teachers) all over again, especially when my school in smallsville is starting to rock'n'roll.

Fuck it.

You just can't get the staff, love...

20 things you'll never hear an Israeli say...

1. "Let's do it by the book this time."
2. "Ah, it's my round!"
3. "I beg your pardon!"
4. "I don't have a cellphone."
5. "Hey, maybe those Palestinians do have some rights..."
6. "I understand you but I'm inclined to disagree."
7. "I hate my mother's cooking."
8. "I purchased Microsoft Office."
9. "I hate going to places that are full of other Israelis."
10. "Isn't it a little cramped in here?"
11. "Let's leave the waitress a little more than 10%..."
12. "I like Ehud Olmert."
13. "Take your time, tomorrow is fine."
14. "Merry Christmas!"
15. "I'll have that Easter egg on the top shelf please."
16. "OK, beloved wife, I'll ask someone for directions."
17. "The French are very nice people."
18. "Thank you for arriving earlier than we scheduled."
19. "Amir Peretz is a great Defence Minister."
20. "It was my fault."

And if I don't get to a computer again in the next day or so - something that all Israelis will be saying today/tomorrow...Hag Sameach - Happy Passover!