Moz

Wow. Morrissey was in Tel Aviv last night and was class. A mix of the Smiths and his own stuff, he really has some great songs under his belt. And I was very impressed with the audience, they were singing along to most of the songs, even a couple I didn't know. Not sure what he has against Kylie Minogue, and I'm not sure everyone understood the opening string of phrases spouted in a deep Manc accent (Stock Aitken Waterman...Heysel Stadium...etc), but it made me smile...

Siouxsie didn't turn up, nobody knows why (and when telling the crowd this, Morrissey handed over the mic to a girl in the front row that ended up with a "Thank you for coming to Israeeeellll!" which brought the house down...), but the opening act, an Israeli called Assaf Avidan with his band The Mojos were actually pretty good. And the New York Dolls were pure rocknroll, pure entertainment and much much better than I anticipated.

And, as usual, people have already uploaded their videos. Here is the one and only Morrissey encore which made me go all goosebumpy...

Potentially addictive

I've noticed the new Bamba (apparently created to celebrate Israel's 60th birthday) on the shelves of my local sooper (supermarket) the last few times I've been there. And to be quite honest, the thought of Bamba filled with nougat kind of made me want to heave. Yesterday I went with the two littl'uns and after a little prodding from them, I went for it and got a bag. What can I tell you, it's not quite the sacrilege I thought it might be. In fact, it's pretty bleedin' tasty. In fact, I had to divert the kids' attention while scoffing down the rest of the bag. And no, I won't tell you how many bags made it into our trolley.

A cause not worth fighting

I think I've put my finger on why I don't really like Open Spacey. It's the guy who's my boss. He's one of those fuckers that will never have a nice thing to say, even if you write the best fucking guide in living history...he's got his head so far up his own arse, all he's worried about is how he looks in the company big picture. Constant planning (which from what I've seen is a complete waste of time in this place), constant conference calls, and constant bitching. Constantly writing guides? Maybe, but I've yet to see...

Just last week up came the topic of my availability once again - if I can't commit to 100% then I'll probably have my contract terminated, bla bla bla...if it's working out so fucking terribly for you, then just fire me! He knows I deliver, he even admitted as much last week, he's just pissed that I can't/won't commit to "the cause". Oh, that's right, the cause. The cause that keeps him working until 1am most nights of the week, as he keeps updating his workplan as the big bosses keep updating theirs...sorry, but that's not a cause I'm going to be fighting for...

Jump ducky, jump!

What the feck is that duck all about, perched on top of Tel Aviv City Hall...?

Slap me silly

I think the ultimate sign that you know just what you are doing in this country is when you buy a watermelon. It might be in the shuk, it might be in your local supermarket, or it might even be on the side of a highway. But if you don't know how to handle a watermelon, you're still just ranked as a silly tourist. Because it's all in the wrists you see. It's that slap or 2 with your preferred hand as you hold the watermelon in the other hand that shows you can cut the mustard. It takes years of practice, dedication, and perhaps a slice of luck. But once you can pick out a tasty watermelon from the pile of duds via a slap or two, you know you can hold your head up high.

Me, I only ever buy half a watermelon at a time, so I rarely get to practice my Benny Hill slap. And when I do get to slap, I'm still not sure I've got a clue what I'm up to...

Almost...

I have a student who started a while back with me. He turns up as regular as clockwork, unlike his mother's cheques, unfortunately. Slowly she's been falling behind, where once she always paid in the first week of the month, she would skip a month and then send 2 cheques...you get the idea. Yesterday she called me and to my surprise got all snarky and uppity with me. The bitch. She was adamant that I had made a mistake in my last bill and when I insisted I was right she put her husband on...which just made my blood boil even further. Instead of paying me on time, and despite constant calls to remind them of their debt, the fuckers wanted proof that I wasn't overcharging them. I almost fucking lost it. Almost.

I eventually took a deep breath and went through my receipts with them over the phone. And they eventually realised they were wrong. And I'm fast coming to the conclusion that they can get stuffed.

If I mention that this family are Yemenite, would you understand where I'm coming from?

Record-aaaaaaaagggghhhh!

The missus decided to invest in a few musical instruments for the kids. You know, only small ones like a castanet and triangle. And a bleedin' recorder. Which, in the wrong hands, is one mighty fine instrument of torture. Trust me, at 7am you don't want to hear the hawking screech of someone blowing very hard into a recorder...my ears, my ears!

July's Homo Sapiette - Keren

Just a wee bit bigger than mrs anglosaxy, Keren Michaeli is a bit of a shortie in modelling terms, at 160cm. But she is still a worthy inclusion in this Homo Sapiettes collection, in fact, she very nearly made the first series.

I'm not sure when I first clapped eyes on Keren, probably sometime at the end of the 90s, but I remember thinking she was a bit of a looker. Quite possibly the most natural, beautiful face in Israel. Those eyes...

The above shot was taken when she apparently still in the army (Israeli women usually serve a couple of years straight after high school, from 18-20) and apparently pissed off her commanders enough to get her thrown out of the army. Beautiful eyes and a bit naughty, just the way we like 'em.

Nowadays she seems to have given up on fame and fortune and is married to a pilot and apparently studying at university. The days of seeing her lead campaigns for local tea (Wissotzky) ads and the like are long gone it seems...which is a shame because in her day she was stunning. So Keren, if you feel like coming back and donning a bikini or 2, we won't be complaining...

Kiss Me Budgie

Got a surprise fly-by visit from a neighbourhood budgie earlier today. Completely threw me as he/she fluttered in through our window and landed a few cms away. But the kids were undaunted, and, as you can tell from this pic, juniorette was in love within minutes. And just as I was contemplating just what the feck I was going to do with this wee bird, it was off once again...

Tel Aviv Port

What the hell am I? #52

Queue up in an orderly fashion please...

It's that time again. After two years of moaning, whining Yemenite tenants, we're renting our cute little pad in Tel Aviv. All because of that pesky dollar business, which has meant a serious reduction in our shekel rental income (why the fuck is this country still so tied to the dollar?). The new contract is in shekels of course, and a seriously high figure was advertised (I hid behind the sofa as the missus pressed Enter to confirm the online ad's details). Didn't stop the hordes calling. 30 people turned up for the half-hour window of opportunity we setup. And 8 of those wanted to sign up on the spot. Now we're down to two options, not sure which one to go for:

• Gay couple: He's a moshavnik, and he's a regular Tel Aviv rent-boy (I'm joking). The missus assures me they are luverly, and cuddly too. Though the missus worries that moshavniks (who live on these) are "untidy".
• College boy and aspiring actress: Nice couple, in fact, way too nice there's something fishy about 'em. Her father is a big-shot CEO of the Israeli branch of a huge international corporation, and his father is a pilot...

Eeny meeny miny moe...

A year ago today...

...I handed in my keys and finally bid farewell to Corridor Land. Even though generally time is whizzing along, seems like much longer than a year ago...

Give a guy a camera...

And this is what happens. Not sure why OM would want to focus on a boring grey pole, but let's just be thankful he couldn't focus properly...probably distracted by something or other...

And if you are the owner of this rather gorgeous bum (oh yes, click to big), please get in touch with us here at anglosaxy. We will require extensive proof, of course...

Disgusting stuff.

Let me out you bastards!

I was chatting with an Israeli friend who had been relocated to the States for a couple of years. We got chatting about driving, like you do, and the thing that most got this returning Israeli pissed was the fact that when reversing out of a drive or parking space, no fucker in this country lets you out...they'll beep and get pissed, widly swerving round u...but will they wait 3 seconds while you reverse and make your merry way? Will they fuck...

Quite funny listening to an Israeli getting pissed at Israelis though...

Israel Israeli

It was my first time there last night, but I have to say, if you want an authentic Israeli experience, go to Dr Shakshuka (in this clip the good Dr shows us how to make shakshuka) in Yafo. Just avoid the Thursday night Flea Market experience if you can during July, because the traffic is a bleedin' nightmare. And don't stay after 1am, because the waiters start wailing Greek lullabies into the microphone...not sure if that's the "right you lot, we're closing" signal, or they are genuinely trying to woo the crowd...but the food is great, and cheap.

And to wrap up your experience, there's nothing like one of these crossing the road in front of you to make you feel warm and safe...yes, a robot on its way to check a suspicious package down the road...

Who should we get first?

I'm sorry, but the guy in this story is a fucking disgrace. If that had been my family the guy wouldn't be breathing today. Driving in Israel is always a challenge, but with guys like this, it becomes a lottery. His current attorney's statement that the permanent revocation of his client's driver's license was "not a proportionate punishment" is a fucking joke too. Not sure which one should be sliced and quartered first...

How do you like yours?

When the heat in Tel Aviv climbs to insufferable levels during July/August, it becomes a bit of a mission to find the right temperature in which to get some kip. Especially when you're married to an Israeli. The humidity outside might be 200%, the fridge melting and the unripe fruit you bought yesterday already seeping juices and attracting flies...but the missus will be wrapped up warm in her duvet.

Trying to share a bed with these opposite forces at work is a toughie. I like to sleep minimal, possibly in just my boxers, possibly not, depending on how decadent I'm feeling. With just a thin cotton sheet to pull up around my ears. Ideally with the air conditioner on, but, as you can probably guess, this is almost divorce-invoking.

So, obviously I have to sleep with no air conditioner, which means I'm left with the fan. Which can only be switched on at its lowest level, and pointed in the direction of London at 137 degrees. No air movement is allowed to stir the missus' duvet, or hair; if it does, am I in for it. And the fan is banished to the living room for another night...

So how the hell do you Israeliens sleep at night?

Where the hell am I?

Junior the Three

Junior hits 3 today. Three years of long nights, tears, laughter, screams, tantrums, puking over my shoulder, playing football, reading stories, jumping over waves, and pure joy that have often brought tears streaming down my cheeks...Three of the hardest years of my life, but definitely three of the best!

Happy Birthday mate!

She's still got it

I haven't enjoyed a concert like that for bloody years...probably because I haven't been to a concert where they play real music for years...but the Stranglers were great (they played all their hits and let rip with some nice guitar work), and Blondie were Blondie. Debbie Harry might be 60+ but she still oozes charisma and attitude (and see her closeup in this press conference before the show). And somebody has already uploaded a video of her strutting her stuff last night, complete with two stage invaders being hauled off by security, wasn't me and the missus, I swear...

Adults letting me down

I've had a fair number of calls from potential adult students recently, but, to be honest, they're driving me stonking mad. We arrange a day and time on which to meet and then they simply fail to show up. On the occasions I have their number they just don't answer their phone. Not sure what to think about this; I don't think they get cold feet/get put off upon seeing the place because from the outside it looks professional enough, I just don't think they want the lessons enough. P'raps when they call it seems like a good idea, but then they change their mind? What they probably don't realise is that I usually come specifically for them - I only teach around 6 lessons a week these days, the teachers do the rest.

I'm starting to suss some of them out, just from their tone, and just like I do with the Yemens amongst us...if they want it enough, I'll hear it in their voice. If they're wishy washy bastards out to waste my fucking time, I'll hear it too. Just like the woman who has failed to turn up this afternoon - I knew she wouldn't come and she didn't. Bitch.

The 80's hit Israel

This month sees the start of the concert season in Israel, with a seemingly endless list of performers coming over. OK, no real super superstars (though some of them definitely were in their heyday), but plenty of talent. Tomorrow (Thursday) sees Blondie and the Stranglers do a double-header to which I have tickets. Air Supply are here on Friday but I think I'll keep my opinions on Air Supply to myself (they are shite). Deep Purple are here next Wednesday but the main attraction this summer is Morrissey at the end of this month, who will be supported by Siouxsie Sioux and the New York Dolls. Tickets are expensive but this gig looks like one not to miss. And what are the odds on this being performed?

Oy, guvnor, looking for a ticket? I can do you a fair price, honest innit...

One of those moments

Yesterday was one of those nice moments in life. I left Open Spacey a little early, went home to grab my towel, shorts and flipflops, picked up the kids from the kindergarten and took them to the beach. There we were, naked (that'll be the kids and not my hairy arse on display) and jumping over the waves, with juniorette scaring me shitless with her ducking and diving in some strong waves (don't forget, she's only 19 months old) and begging for "more!". And then on the ride home, listening to the Pogues with the two kids clapping along. I like this daddy malarky.