End of year wrap up

It's been a strange old year, ain't it.

On the personal front, I feel like things have been bubbling along nicely. I've been hectic, what with the school, the Tech Writing, building a website (or 2), playing "bumpy road" with my kids (they climb on top of me and then I jiggle them wildly about, they love it!), coddling the missus way too much, going to the gym, etc etc...

While the world economy has collapsed in the last few months, I've seen no sign of it at the school, but have a feeling it's just about to strike in Open Spacey. When one of the big bosses asks you to review his CV and over lunch tells me that he's 100% sure that there are BIG changes on the way (they actually closed the Israel branch a few years ago), you have to wonder. I'm not really that bothered, because my comfort zone is about to be shattered anyway, real soon...

And Israel was doing so nicely, a record year for tourism, confidence still relatively high despite the economy, before deciding - not before time - to bomb the feck out of Gaza. Leaves a smidgeon of depression hanging over the end of year, and as the missiles get closer to Tel Aviv, perhaps even a little scary...

Yep, 2009 is going to be an interesting year. For a start, I very much doubt the anglosaxies are going to be in Tel Aviv beyond April. And it could be much further afield, you'll just have to wait and see...a visit to the homeland in the coming weeks should decide the direction we take.

Anyway, wishing you a very Happy New Year! Drink safely! And drink lots! Oh Gawd, it's only 9.20am but I feel a need for some Ouzo...

Happy Christmas from the Holy Land!

Aye, so Happy Christmas to you and yours!

Have a great day, whatever it is you be doing...the kids are on holiday over here because of Hannukah, so not sure how relaxing and Christmassy it's going to be...but alcohol and mince pies are my intended domain, with a long distance call to Blighty somewhere around half cut o'clock.

Yesterday me and the missus hopped over to Jerusalem and toured the Old City, just to get a bit spiritual and seasonal, and touristy. I did my Barack Obama impression at the Western Wall and stuffed my prayer amongst those mighty cracks, while the missus was quietly (very) impressed with the Church of the Holy Sepulchre...it's been years since I last visited the Old City and I have to say, I loved it, despite the chilly, blustery wind. Very inspiring...if you can handle the cheeky little Arab kids in the Muslim Quarter...

It's Hannukah, so to Roladin off we go...

Donut (and yes, I know it should be doughnut) season again as Hannukah hits us once again...and the only place you can possibly buy donuts is, of course, Roladin. Last night, I took the kids for a donut splurge and bought 8 of the nasty little buggars, 50 shekels in total, but wow, what a box! I would have paid more just for the box, let alone have donuts inside...

So, here they are, in all their donut splendour - look away now if you're weak of heart or disposition...

And you see that far right one? Yummmmm. Butterscotch....the one on the left is with arak(!), that'll be tested tonight...

And on a more serious note, here's a pic of junior's homemade hanukkiah (candleabra), with a touch of Christmas (the green and red) thrown in (I made it with him in the kindergarten)...

Tis the season...innit?

Well, got my online Christmas shopping done, what a long, hard slog that was...or not...but I know that Christmas shopping in Blighty, if I ever get to do it, will never be the same for me, especially with the demise of Woolies. Ahhh, pick n mix, what a classic.

And the Christmas tree is up, with tinsel placed strategically round the house. But still waiting to hear my first Christmas song, would you adam'n'eve it. I've just been so busy, haven't had time to pull out the songs and get a listen in...

Last night I took the kids on a Christmas tree hunt in Tel Aviv. I was targeting the main streets of Yafo as I'd heard there were a few places selling trees, but the roadworks down that way and the heavy traffic put paid to any Christmas festivity. We ended up doing the ultimate Christmas thing in the Holy Land: eating felafel, made by Israeli Arabs, sat next to a hungry pack of street cats...the kids enjoyed themselves anyway!

And what do you say about this post about Christmas in the Holy Land? It's about time you met my baby, though please excuse the holes, still in progress innit...

as woz ere

[tap] [tap]
Hello, anyone there?

So, you still here?
Me, yes, I'm fine lovies, thanks for asking.
I know, I know, you've left me in dribs and drabs, but I'm still here, I swear.
What can I say, it was all because of me bleedin' C drive. Left me high and dry it did.
But all is fine and dandy now innit.
And I've got that freelance gig out of my hair.
But Open Spacey looks dodgy. Well dodgy. January sales will happen.
New website is taking shape.
Kind of oblong-like at the moment.
And what is it about Big Brother that is grabbing people, including the missus?
Is Yossi really going to win?
Does that mean the Ugly Israeli is back big time?
Facebook says no.
I say Itay.

No return to C Land

Well, for those of you interested, the day before I was supposed to start working for Corridor Land they called and told me they thought they had found a replacement for the twat who had taken over from me (those of us who know, know he's a twat). I was scheduled to be a stop-gap for a few weeks/months until a more permanent replacement was found.

And to tell you the truth, I'm bleedin' relieved. It would have been a few extra shekels, which is always nice, but it would have stretched me silly. At present, I'm rolling into bed at 2am every night after working on my new website (soon to be websites) and have just taken on a new freelancing gig with one of my old customers. So feck knows where I would have managed to squeeze C Land in...

One thing I have managed to squeeze in to my schedule is the gym - 3 times a week I'm pumping iron baby! Or trying to pump iron...OK, I just look at the barbells and convince myself that next week I'll start with them...But, I have to say, I feel much better these days, a lot fitter and healthier, despite the shitload of work on my shoulders at the mo. Eating a lot of fruit too, 'tis the season of oranges and avacados and grapefruit innit.

And look at Ingerlund go. Future world champions, no doubt about it. Missed the game, but sounds like they were all over the Old Enemy. Go Capello!

2 to the Ella!

It's a very big Happy Birthday to my little princess. She hits the big 2 today. A big mane of hair that can come up behind you and wrap her arms around you, or scream and shout when she doesn't get her away (boy, does she know what she wants!), or purse her lips and melt me in an instant, or suddenly launch into a half-boogie in her car-seat when I stick Depeche Mode on...have a great day darlin'!

* Not the best shot because this young lady is very hard to snap. She's always on the move and just when you've got her in focus, she'll look away. Hence the half-stoned look above...

40? Nah, not me mate!

Bleedin' 'eck, 40. So, OK, time for my pipe and slippers. And Sunday newspaper, my dear chap. And time for 40 things I should or shouldn't have done over the past few years...

1. I shouldn't have gone for that extra spicy Thai chicken curry in Bangkok. It really did burn on its way out.


2. I should have kissed Angela's sister, despite our rampant teenage dancing to A-ga-doo doo doo.


3. I shouldn't have thrown that wicked water-bomb from a Tel Aviv balcony.


4. I should have left Corridor Land a whole lot earlier.


5. I shouldn't have slept on that nice green rug in Tiberias (actually a traffic island).


6. I shouldn't have had that "one last beer" in the MASH bar after downing a bottle of vodka.


7. I should have steered clear of the big chef's niece while working over the summer hols at an Eastbourne hotel.


8. I shouldn't have stolen that deckchair with the big chef's niece (the undercover cop who politely suggested we put it back kind of confirms this).


9. I shouldn't have got into that late night taxi alone with that overly friendly gay taxi driver on my last night in Cyprus.


10. I should have avoided that buxom lass with the twinkle in her eye in the Ego Trip bar.


11. I should have elbowed that guy barging into the queue in front of me a lot harder.


12. I shouldn't have gone skinny dipping at midnight on a Tel Aviv beach (with a naked French girl by my side, I might add) during jellyfish season.


13. I shouldn't have had that chocolate ice-cream with that last beer with the same French girl - big impact on performance...


14. I should have read the small print on my scooter insurance instead of naively believing the insurance agent.


15. I shouldn't have written obscenities on the blackboard after footie training at my junior school. I got found out (Deano cracked and spilled the beans, the bastard)...


16. I should probably have cried harder after getting caned by Mr Clark for writing the obscenities mentioned above...


17. I should have put more sunscreen on over the years instead of relying on my in-built timer.


18. I should have left Israel back in '96, when I had the chance!


19. I should have re-started my gym membership a whole lot sooner - 3 years of sitting on my arse and doing no sport took its toll.


20. I shouldn't swear so much, especially around the kids, but that's me...


21. I shouldn't have called that kid in my class "Jude the Jew", but everyone was doing it and what the feck did I know...


22. I should have showered the missus with more flowers and slushy stuff over the last 3 years, but two little monsters have kind of gotten in the way...


23. I should have taken that job on an Eilat pleasure boat back in the early days. Hell, they were paying 5 sheks an hour!


24. I shouldn't have hoodwinked my nature class at junior school with my fake bird's nest, built by my own fair hands. Looked pretty authentic though!


25. I should back up my computer so much more. I just know a whole load of pix are gonna be lost forever and yet I still do nothing...


26. I shouldn't have lied to me Mum about being out of Tel Aviv during the Gulf War and Saddam's scuds, when I was actually right in the heart of Tel Aviv.


27. I shouldn't have been so nice to Natalie when I so obviously wanted her friend Kim. Kiss chase was never quite the same again...


28. I should have started my web entrepreneurship a long time ago. I could have been a mwillionaire by now!


29. I shouldn't have taken on that other school in Ashdod. I was running before I could really walk.


30. I shouldn't fart so much. One day I know that something like this will happen...


31. I shouldn't get so wound up when driving in this country, and really shouldn't give the finger so much, but you know what it's like...


32. I shouldn't have screamed obscenities at the woman who questioned my riding my scooter on the path leading up to her front door.


33. I should have kept in touch with so many people...


34. I shouldn't get so excited about Arsenal beating Man United, but it's pure pleasure, especially after the last couple of weeks...


35. I should have gone to university after my A levels.


36. I should have gone for the menage a trois with those two Israeli girls, but come on, I was a wee lad...and scared shitless!


37. I shouldn't have sold my PlayStation 2, but it 'll be a good excuse to get PlayStation 4 or 5 when Junior starts getting interested...


38. I shouldn't have laughed when I heard the Nazi commandant from the floor above had broken her jaw. But at least it'll keep her quiet for a bit...


39. I should have taken my wedding ring off before going surfing.


40. I really shouldn't have had that last beer on my 39th year and 363rd day...but it was a pre-40th birthday bash, so...

Wot? Still 'ere?

Aye, I'm sorry for not updating regularly over the past few weeks, just been a tad busy with a whole load of things. I see my readership has dwindled away a bit, and understandably so.

This blog is still alive, don't worry, I'm not going to kill it off just yet. Though it will probably take a bit of a beating when I launch my new website, probably at the start of December. Oh yes, a new website to amaze and delight you! Actually, probably not...because for most of you it won't be that relevant. More to tell soon...

And I haven't been hiding away because of an impending 40th birthday. Honest guv. But bleedin' 'eck, it came round a bit sharpish, innit. I'm having a few drinks on Friday night with a few friends to celebrate, and then a bit of a picnic on Saturday afternoon (but that could be tricky with Arsenal playing Manure...), and then Sunday I shall be wallowing in a hungover state on my actual birthday...because, although feeling young, I'm starting to look like this geezer...


Good post coming up on Sunday...be warned!

October's Homo Sapiette - Karin Magrizo

So, a little late, but here is October's eye candy, Karin Magrizo. At the ripe old age of 31, she is in her prime. Some mornings I catch her on Channel 2 hosting her morning show just before I head off to work and she kinda sets me up for the day rather nicely. Very cute smile.

She is actually Dudu Topaz's niece (Dudu was the king of entertainment round these parts but has gone all quiet recently). Born in Los Angeles, her English should be good, but I need verification. Karin, cucumber sandwich? She has starred in a few ad campaigns, but to be honest, I don't remember any of them. She also starred in 3 episodes of "Kach Oti Sharon" as the "Temptress" but I bet you don't remember her...if she had dressed as in the pics below, I would have remembered...

Shoo! Shoo!

If throwing as many shoes as possible up onto a telephone wire was an Olympic sport, Israel might have walked away with a medal...pic taken in Jerusalem last week.

Whatever they're paying you mate, it ain't enough...

Octoberfest

Gotta love the beach in Israel. In October...

Crunch time

I dunno. The world seems to be in a crisis, and we're poised for the mother of all recessions, at least according to Sky News/BBC etc etc. But are things really that bad?

Don't know about you, but I seem to be in the midst of a boom. The school seems recession proof and is pulling in record numbers of students (one of my adult students absolutely loves the phrase "credit crunch"). I've got freelance gigs coming out of my ears, with a couple of startups wanting me to go over their Business Plans and write some stuff for their websites, as well as the long-term freelance gig that has just ordered another 80 hours work. And that's on top of Open Spacey, who seem fine and look like they want to take on more people and are very keen for me to be 100%, as always.

Maybe I'm in recession proof zones, but I have this feeling that the media is the main reason for this credit crunch, whipping this up into a frenzy. Or I could be just about to fall completely on my arse and end up homeless within a month...?

Just this weekend I was at a BBQ/party for MP, the old git, and the item that was on everybody's agenda was the planned Depeche Mode gig. No credit crunch, no defaulting loans, no mortgage issues and definitely no stock market woes.

So, has the credit crunch been crunching your numbers?

Where the hell am I?

The return of the Corridor?

Received an interesting email this week. It was from my ex-boss at Corridor Land, wishing me a Happy New Year. She then went on to ask if I wanted to return to Corridor Land as a freelancer, maybe 2, 3 days per week. I had to smile. Then shiver, as the goosebumps went shimmy shammy down my spine. Apparently the writer that took over from me saw the light. Or perhaps was made to see the light, which seems more feasible, seeing as some of us know what a twat he is...

And I'm actually considering the offer. Trust me, if it was as a salaried employee it wouldn't even cross my mind, but as a freelancer I don't have a problem. I have also laid down some ground rules, which I'm still awaiting a response on...without those in place, they can go jump.

It's a date: May 10th 2009

The boys are coming! The boys are coming!
Yeh yeh...

Desperate or Dastardly?

Received a phone call this morning. Guess who it was? Nah, you'll never guess. It was my corner shop guy, the shop just across from my school. I have a tab there and always pay up each month. It's usually a miniscule amount, though this month reached the mighty sum of 99 shekels. So, of course, he called, just to check I was coming in to settle up.

Now, I'm not sure whether he's taking the piss or is in fact a master businessman. Because to chase me up for 99 shekels (about $30, give or take a shekel), when he knows I always pay up on time and in full, seems a little off. I just thought about the 5 bills I wrote up for 12,000 shekels, money owing to me from the last few weeks of freelancing and I kinda smirked. Though smirked uneasily when I realised that he probably is spot on, at least he's demanding his money on time and chasing it up, whereas I usually end up waiting an extra month or 2...

Eilat

Eilat, this is what it's all about...

Down sowf

Off to Eilat for a few days, you might just catch me at the beach below, my favourite Eilat beach, snorkel in one hand, beer in the other...

And a Happy Jewish New Year to all of you (kicks off tonight with the big supper-like extravaganza)! May it be sweet-and-apple-dipped-in-honey-like (the year, not the supper)!

Macca's alright!

Well, the show was great in the end. Paul McCartney was just a few metres in front of me (OK, quite a few metres), a Beatle, a living fecking legend. At one point, he threw in some very ropey solo songs that nobody knew (one guy in front of us even fell sleep on the grass, only to wake up for the encores) and, frankly, were complete tosh. But when he pumped out the classics, feck, they were good! Hey Jude accompanied by the crowd, who were left singing on their own until the band came back on stage for yet another encore, Live and Let Die accompanied by a firework show, and Give Peace a Chance were my faves. 40,000 turned up for the show, some paid very big bucks to see this, we of course, paid absolutely nothing...though some guys got even luckier than us...

Macca, I had my doubts you could still do it, but I was proved wrong. I may actually go out and buy another Beatles CD now...and although his wishes for peace might be a bit naive, there's just something blood-tingingly amazing about seeing so many people scream and shout as one, so perhaps he ain't so naive. Maybe music is bigger and more powerful than all that politics and religion shite...

This is the opening of the show, the screams are giving me goosebumps every time...

Now it's Macca's turn...

First of all I have to say that my wife is a complete koosit (luscious babe). The koosit of all koosits. The mother of all koosits. This week she was being a very koosit kind of girl with some customers at work (oooh, that sounds a bit naughty innit) and they were so impressed with her service that they simply handed over two free tickets to Paul McCartney's show in Tel Aviv this Thursday. Well, that's my missus' version and she's sticking to it. These tickets are worth 900 shekels, so I presume the service was deluxe. Extra special. Extra koosit.

Anyway, this summer has been pretty cultural for the old anglosaxies. First it was the Stranglers and Blondie, then Morrissey accompanied by the New York Dolls and Assaf Avidan (bought his disk by the way, pretty decent). Now a Beatle. Not bad at all. Even though I'm not particularly fond of Macca, it's a night out, live music and there'll probably be some kind of beer on sale. What more could you ask for? Ah right, a koosit by your side...well, I got me one of those!

Just for a second there...

I was sitting anxiously, trying not to look too shifty. Reminding myself of that time in Blighty when the sun actually shone for a few days and I got myself a killer tan that convinced people I'd been to Jamaica for a holiday. And that time in Eilat when I overdid it and came back to Tel Aviv a rather red-faced Brit. And all those times I'd forgotten to smear some sunscreen, just because I thought I could get away with it because I wasn't one of those pale, fair-haired tourists. And there I was, thinking that perhaps this was payback time.

A nice lumpy mole had recently attached itself to my skin and seemed to be changing daily, so I decided to see the doc. Never mind that he was batting for the other side and seemed just a tad too eager for me to take my shirt off, his words that "Ah, it's nothing, I'll burn it off for you now" were kind of sweet and sexy...but next time, I'll be splashing on a little more sunscreen...

September's Homo Sapiette - Girl of the Moment

There's only one possible Homo Sapiette on this fine morning...



Yes indeed...



You knew she was coming...

Tzipi Livni, quite possibly Israel's next Prime Minister.

Now, you probably know me as not one to mix in the ol' game of politics. And especially lately, I've been completely switching off. Maybe I'm just too busy, but I just can't listen to any more stories about Olmert, about his political party and about the squabbling little bitches in the opposition parties...

But, when I get to see the cute little Tzipi Livni, something in me softens. She's not quite the same as Israel's first woman Prime Minister, Golda, the saucy little minx, but that's probably a good thing. I quite like Tzipi, even though I'm not entirely convinced I know what she stands for. But like Theo has got me almost excited about watching Ingerlund play again, then maybe Tzipi has done the same for me and the large majority of the Israeli public who don't give a shit about politics. A big maybe, maybe.

How has she done it?

Maybe it's the way she throws her hair to one side...


Maybe it's her steely gaze at the camera...

Maybe it's the way she looks at ease when mixing with true political legends...

Or maybe it's just the way she manages to tempt us in with one of those looks...

However she does it, Tzipi is the woman of the moment. I say Go Girl, I actually think she might go and do some good...

Later, Tony

So that's it. No more Tony and Carmela, no more mindless violence and no more strippers in the BaDa Bing. Damn shame. Well, it took us a while, but me and the missus finally managed to get through the last of the Sopranos DVDs this week. What can I say, ever since coming across a rerun by chance, I've been hooked. I've never even thought about buying the DVD set of a TV series before, but this was different. But after finally wrapping it all up, I don't half fancy watching it all over again...anyone got a spare couple of months they can give me?

He's a star, he's English and he plays for Arsenal!

Oh my goodness. An Arsenal player scoring 3 times for England. What the feck is going on?! Theo, we're not worthy, we're not worthy, we're not worthy...I might just be able to get excited about watching Ingerlund again if he keeps up like this...

Busy busy busy

Busy as a B right now.

School has kicked off its new year, so the annual nightmare of lesson scheduling has begun. To tell you the truth, I'm seriously thinking of selling up, because I'm spreading thin again and can't see an alternative in the upcoming weeks when I lose both my good teachers. I really don't fancy all that interviewing and meeting too many feckin' oddballs, so it could be time to hand the keys over to someone else.

I've also got a couple of freelance gigs that are just about over, but have given me a busy time. And my web empire is progressing. Just ye wait.

Line 'em up

Junior has a fascination for lining things up in perfect straight lines. It's usually his posse of cars or lorries, or plastic eggs, that get him all focused. But this time, with his tongue hanging out in pure concentration stylee, it's the forks on the restaurant table that keep him happy for a few minutes...

What the hell am I? #55

Big Bollox

There you go. There was a time when Israel took years to catch up on the latest trends and fads enveloping and suffocating the Modern World. And then, somewhere during the 90s I guess, Israel slowly started catching up. Films released in the Modern World were released almost simultaneously in Israel (in fact, they even started getting ahead of Blighty at one point). Mullets slowly disappeared. And beers other than Goldstar, Maccabi and Carlsberg started showing their faces in Israeli bars.

But then, for some strange reason, Israel decided to get real. Real as in reality. Which meant a slow catch-up process once again with the rest of the Modern World. A first run of Survivor earlier this year, which we all know was watched by the anglosaxies. Now, it's time for the turn of Big Brother. Yes indeed, in its 9th glorious season in the UK, 10th in the States and eaten up by 70 other countries, it's now time for the Holy Land version.

Can we stand the excitement? Oh yeh. Can you? Kicks off tonight...aw feck...

Jeroosalem by night

I took this shot on a recent trip to Jerusalem. If anybody knows where I took it I'd be happy to know because I'd love to go there and take some shots during the day. It's a fairly big viewpoint, with loads of Arabs wandering around, plus the ding-ding-diddle-ing of gorgeous Mizrahi music [ puke, puke ] piping out of car windows...Don't ask me how I got there because my drinks were laced with copious amounts of alcohol and the missus was driving...

Tel Aviv is changing, changing fast

Just a few years ago this skyline simply didn't exist. Not sure I'm a big fan, but it does look kind of impressive...

Bye Abie

Abie Nathan, RIP. One of Israel's more colourful characters, most noted by moi for his Voice of Peace radio station, which I spent many a night listening to in my early days in Israel (manning hostel receptions overnight, while chatting with gorgeous, nutty, drunk Israeli girls). This guy was a real pioneer of peace, and even flew for the British Air Force. Bless 'im.

I was your Grandaddy, Daddy and Murderer

The big story in Israel these last couple of days is this harrowing tale. Yes, the girl's grandfather is also her stepfather. White trash city. My heart bleeds for the little girl. I say hang the lot of 'em. Fuckers.

Feeling the sand between your toes...

August's Homo Sapiette - Tel Aviv Beach Eye Candy

OK, so this month not one specific celeb for you to drool over. Instead, a collection (not a private one, only one of these pix came from my camera and I didn't take it - most of these pix are out there on the web) of some of the eye candy that you might just get accosted with on the sandy beaches of Tel Aviv. It's August, it's baking, the Med is sparkling a few metres away, and the bikinis are getting even briefer. Oooh mama. Did you ever wonder how I've managed to stay here so long? And can you guess where I'm off to in the next few minutes...?

Rule Britannia!

OK, so I'm not catching a lot of the Olympics, apart from news highlights in the evenings. But doesn't it feel good to be British? Oh yes, we are a sporty nation once again. Third in the medals table, behind the mighty China and US of A, with some very inspiring performances. Most, if not all, of the names are anonymous to me, and there seems to be a distinct lack of personalities that were always around in previous Olympics. Names like Coe, Ovett, Cram, Thompson, and Christie, aahhh those were the days...or is it because the current crop of winners are excelling at sports not exactly geared for prime-time TV? Me, I'm a big 4x100/4x400 relay fan, I will be trying my best to catch those live.

As I'm writing this I see that Israel has just clinched its first medal of the Olympics, a bronze in the windsurfing. With that Israel surges into 69th place in the medals table. And as the guy pushed a Brit into fourth place, I shall be having words with him - his parents are friends of the father-in-law.

Not that I'm knocking Israeli sport, but this made me laugh. Arik Zeevi, Israel's big gold medal hope in the judo, on his failure to convince: In the days before the competition, I cried too much, like a pregnant woman. Yes indeed.

Hot, fast and furious

August is flying by, but tomorrow is really kicking in to high gear, what with the kids absolutely free of kindergarten until September. Junior is coming with me tomorrow to Open Spacey, Juniorette I have no idea where she'll be...I guess it's one day at a time over the next couple of weeks...[ breathe, breathe, don't forget to breathe... ]

I've been up to my neck in all kinds of shit the last couple of weeks, of which I'll briefly recap for you:

• The school had a new floor fitted. I wanted parquet, the landlord juiced her connections...and instead got the crappiest ceramic tiles in living history. Never mind, it's better than the old carpet that was there and she paid for it.
• The school had a fresh lick of paint applied yesterday. It's now completely white, like a dentists. Very cold and echoey, what with the new floor. But don't worry, I'm going to brighten up the place with loads of posters.
• Open Spacey had a couple of last minute deadlines, which I managed to survive.
• But together with another freelance gig I took on last week, last week's workload meant I was working over the weekend. No beach for me, though I did catch Arsenal kick off the footie season.
• I'm also working on a long-term plan to take over the internets thingymajib. I have a plan, which I'm slowly cultivating, usually between 12-1am most nights, but if I tell you about it I'll have to shoot you. Hopefully soon something will start moving and then the whole world will sit up and take notice! Yeh yeh.

Anyway, this place might not get updated as much as I'd like, but I'll still be around, I promise peeps.

Gosh, what a rippling pair of biceps

I've managed to make it 3 times to the gym this week. Up until now it's always been a couple of times, and some of those times were spent at the pool. Now it's all pure sweat baby. No pain, no gain. All I can say is London 2012 here I come...

What the hell am I? #54

Na Trang, Vietnam

Aaah, nice beach, nice memories...

H for Haifa

Flush

...with cash we are. Well, with a few cheques that'll help pay off the mortgage to be precise. We signed a contract yesterday with the new tenants. The yuppie couple I spoke about here didn't want in the end, and the gay couple decided it wasn't big enough for their purposes, so we ended up advertising again. Up popped another batch of eager hopefuls, this time it's another yuppie-type couple. God bless for yuppie couples! And God bless the rental crisis in Tel Aviv, because no matter what they say, it's still ongoing...but let's hope it crashes significantly when we need to rent again!

Where the hell am I?

* Too busy to blog these days...might have to post a few pix and that's yer lot...

What the hell am I? #53

Augustus Ripoffus

August in Israel is damned hot and sticky. For parents of toddlers it gets even hotter and stickier while the private kindergarten industry takes 3 weeks off and spits our wee ones back into our arms...

Now, I'm not one to deny anyone a break, because for fuck's sake, small business owners in this country deserve any break they can get. But, I think it's a bit fucking cheeky that we get charged for this month. They work one week and get paid the full month. And they're a private business, it's not like they're a government run place. And it's not like I can take my business somewhere else, because they've already signed us up for the next year and taken cheques. And anyway, there is no somewhere else, as all the private kindergartens apparently do this (unless you know otherwise?)...

Of course, if we want, we can register for their kaytana (summer school type thing), which is in the second week of August (when they are officially on holiday) but of course, it'll cost us an extra 1500 shekels or so per kid. What the fuck is that all about? Really, I mean, August is hot and sweaty enough without the additional headache of trying to make sure the kids are taken care of...

Oh fuck. Where are you September?

Moz

Wow. Morrissey was in Tel Aviv last night and was class. A mix of the Smiths and his own stuff, he really has some great songs under his belt. And I was very impressed with the audience, they were singing along to most of the songs, even a couple I didn't know. Not sure what he has against Kylie Minogue, and I'm not sure everyone understood the opening string of phrases spouted in a deep Manc accent (Stock Aitken Waterman...Heysel Stadium...etc), but it made me smile...

Siouxsie didn't turn up, nobody knows why (and when telling the crowd this, Morrissey handed over the mic to a girl in the front row that ended up with a "Thank you for coming to Israeeeellll!" which brought the house down...), but the opening act, an Israeli called Assaf Avidan with his band The Mojos were actually pretty good. And the New York Dolls were pure rocknroll, pure entertainment and much much better than I anticipated.

And, as usual, people have already uploaded their videos. Here is the one and only Morrissey encore which made me go all goosebumpy...

Potentially addictive

I've noticed the new Bamba (apparently created to celebrate Israel's 60th birthday) on the shelves of my local sooper (supermarket) the last few times I've been there. And to be quite honest, the thought of Bamba filled with nougat kind of made me want to heave. Yesterday I went with the two littl'uns and after a little prodding from them, I went for it and got a bag. What can I tell you, it's not quite the sacrilege I thought it might be. In fact, it's pretty bleedin' tasty. In fact, I had to divert the kids' attention while scoffing down the rest of the bag. And no, I won't tell you how many bags made it into our trolley.

A cause not worth fighting

I think I've put my finger on why I don't really like Open Spacey. It's the guy who's my boss. He's one of those fuckers that will never have a nice thing to say, even if you write the best fucking guide in living history...he's got his head so far up his own arse, all he's worried about is how he looks in the company big picture. Constant planning (which from what I've seen is a complete waste of time in this place), constant conference calls, and constant bitching. Constantly writing guides? Maybe, but I've yet to see...

Just last week up came the topic of my availability once again - if I can't commit to 100% then I'll probably have my contract terminated, bla bla bla...if it's working out so fucking terribly for you, then just fire me! He knows I deliver, he even admitted as much last week, he's just pissed that I can't/won't commit to "the cause". Oh, that's right, the cause. The cause that keeps him working until 1am most nights of the week, as he keeps updating his workplan as the big bosses keep updating theirs...sorry, but that's not a cause I'm going to be fighting for...

Jump ducky, jump!

What the feck is that duck all about, perched on top of Tel Aviv City Hall...?

Slap me silly

I think the ultimate sign that you know just what you are doing in this country is when you buy a watermelon. It might be in the shuk, it might be in your local supermarket, or it might even be on the side of a highway. But if you don't know how to handle a watermelon, you're still just ranked as a silly tourist. Because it's all in the wrists you see. It's that slap or 2 with your preferred hand as you hold the watermelon in the other hand that shows you can cut the mustard. It takes years of practice, dedication, and perhaps a slice of luck. But once you can pick out a tasty watermelon from the pile of duds via a slap or two, you know you can hold your head up high.

Me, I only ever buy half a watermelon at a time, so I rarely get to practice my Benny Hill slap. And when I do get to slap, I'm still not sure I've got a clue what I'm up to...

Almost...

I have a student who started a while back with me. He turns up as regular as clockwork, unlike his mother's cheques, unfortunately. Slowly she's been falling behind, where once she always paid in the first week of the month, she would skip a month and then send 2 cheques...you get the idea. Yesterday she called me and to my surprise got all snarky and uppity with me. The bitch. She was adamant that I had made a mistake in my last bill and when I insisted I was right she put her husband on...which just made my blood boil even further. Instead of paying me on time, and despite constant calls to remind them of their debt, the fuckers wanted proof that I wasn't overcharging them. I almost fucking lost it. Almost.

I eventually took a deep breath and went through my receipts with them over the phone. And they eventually realised they were wrong. And I'm fast coming to the conclusion that they can get stuffed.

If I mention that this family are Yemenite, would you understand where I'm coming from?

Record-aaaaaaaagggghhhh!

The missus decided to invest in a few musical instruments for the kids. You know, only small ones like a castanet and triangle. And a bleedin' recorder. Which, in the wrong hands, is one mighty fine instrument of torture. Trust me, at 7am you don't want to hear the hawking screech of someone blowing very hard into a recorder...my ears, my ears!

July's Homo Sapiette - Keren

Just a wee bit bigger than mrs anglosaxy, Keren Michaeli is a bit of a shortie in modelling terms, at 160cm. But she is still a worthy inclusion in this Homo Sapiettes collection, in fact, she very nearly made the first series.

I'm not sure when I first clapped eyes on Keren, probably sometime at the end of the 90s, but I remember thinking she was a bit of a looker. Quite possibly the most natural, beautiful face in Israel. Those eyes...

The above shot was taken when she apparently still in the army (Israeli women usually serve a couple of years straight after high school, from 18-20) and apparently pissed off her commanders enough to get her thrown out of the army. Beautiful eyes and a bit naughty, just the way we like 'em.

Nowadays she seems to have given up on fame and fortune and is married to a pilot and apparently studying at university. The days of seeing her lead campaigns for local tea (Wissotzky) ads and the like are long gone it seems...which is a shame because in her day she was stunning. So Keren, if you feel like coming back and donning a bikini or 2, we won't be complaining...