2007 in a nutshell

memories of a Christmas trip to Blighty, byebye to junior's nanny, househunting in Tel Aviv, a super-sized sickie that lost me 5 kilos over 10 days, moving back to Tel Aviv, Israel v England in Tel Aviv, shakshukas from Yuval the Confused One, problems with the school down south and finally good riddance, getting some super-sized cahoonas and handing in my notice at Corridor Land, interviewing my replacement, discovering Knafeh, nurturing a serious addiction to the Sopranos, the end of Thierry as a Gooner, getting paid for taking some pix, chicken pox city, junior hitting 2, handing in my Corridor Land car, upgrading the smallsville school, my new gig at Open Spacey, redundancy cheques from Corridor Land, birthday cruise to Turkey, joining Facebook, juniorette hitting 1, coining it on the lottery, hitting my targets at the smallsville school, an unChristmassy Christmas in the Holy Land.

Aye.

Happy New Year to you all! And 'scuse my language, but I have a feeling 2008 is going to be a fucking cracker! And watch this blog for some changes...coming real soon, like tomorrow...

It's all about the money...

I got offended a couple of days ago. Not sure why, because it was only the words of a 9 year old. But he got a little pissy with me when I tried to quieten him during the lesson (I promise, I didn't have my hands round his neck...) and then he uttered: "You only care about the money, at least that's what I heard...".

I really shouldn't have given a shit, but fuck that, I found it offensive. Maybe I'm too sensitive to be a Donald Trump type businessman, but these were words he obviously picked up from somewhere...maybe his Mum, maybe his Dad...maybe somebody isn't happy with the service I provide, but fuck it, I can't get paid for my services? I can't worry about getting paid from some of my customers? Because believe me, I have probably the most flexible payment structure around (which I realise is becoming too flexible, going to have to lay the law down soon).

Personally, I think I (and my other teacher) give a good lesson, not the best in the world, but I can see from the referrals that I must be doing something right.

End of the year target was 50-60 students, I have 57. Not too shabby.

Winter surf

Tel Aviv seafront, Christmas 2007

Sun's up

Sunrise from the balcony (can't spot any reindeer...)

Happy Christmas to you and yours!

The words we all dream of hearing...and I heard them this morning!

"Hello"
"Hi, is that anglosaxy?"
"Yes"
"Hi anglosaxy, this is the National Lottery (Mifal HaPais). We'd like to congratulate you on your winnings..."

Life (at least the fantasy life I'd always dreamed of) flashes before eyes.

"...your winnings of 5000 shekels."

OK, an extra 0 or 2 would have been veryyyy nice, but fuck that, what a Christmas pressie! Yeehaa, I think it's going to be a very Merry Xmas...!!

Street dining

Crimboless

I find it hard here during Crimbo, without a doubt. Nobody's putting up trees, nobody's complaining about Christmas shopping (by the way, 700 shekels to send 7 very small parcels - I'm talking packets of Bamba - to England, would you Adam 'n Eve it!), no Christmas classics blare out from the radio...

I have a party lined up later today (Friday), with the same band that played at the party the other week, but it's not a seasonal Christmas party, not one of those classic Christmas office parties. Yep, I miss it all, badly, despite the blatant commercialism of it all.

Some of you are probably fed up to the back teeth with Do They Know It's Christmas banging out from the supermarket tannoy, but I'd love a splash of that right now. I challenge you to go one Christmas without any of the trimmings and then tell me you enjoyed yourself. It can't be done, I tell you, it just can't...believe me, hankerings for Blighty haven't half got strong this last couple of weeks...

Now, if someone could tell me where I can lay my hands on some bleedin' mince pies, the situation could improve drastically...

Product Placement

Tel Aviv seafront

What the hell am I? #40

What the hell am I? #39

Buggar of a week...

Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in...

What a week I have lined up. Thanks to the end of the teachers strike over here, my main teacher, who works for a high school, now has one hell of a backlog of hours piled up and can barely come over to teach at my place. That means I have to take over most of his hours, which totally screws up my day. Because I have to work at Open Spacey, of course. And, of course, they have one enormous release going out this week, meaning lots of last minute additions and changes. And with Christmas just round the corner, my planned shopping escapades, both online and bricks and mortar stylee, are going to be limited to about 35 seconds per day...this year mrs anglosaxy might have to be happy with a packet of 5 pitot and maybe some humus...

I was almost tempted to write something a few days ago about how the teachers strike was affecting me, because business is booming thanks to a few worried parents. And my teach is a good teach, I like him a lot, it's just that now I may have to let him go because the hours he can give me just ain't gonna cut it...fuck, was I pissed on Thursday when he told me his new schedule...

Here we go again...

Fab?

I'm not too sure there's anything to get excited about with Mr Capello's impending appointment as England boss (though this list of things to consider might whet your appetite, to tell you the truth, it does nothing for me). I'm fast losing interest with the national side and their shitey little boy racer superstars. I would love to believe that it could all change, but something tells me these spoilt little fuckers need more than someone telling them they're fat and overpaid...

Now, if it had been Jose - and however much you dislike the man you gotta admire his manmanagement skills - I think that could have been very interesting...

Nightynight

Taken from my balcony. Spot the moon.

Up and up and away

The Christmas tree went up.
And down.
And up again.
And down again.
And up...
I think you get the picture...
I'm thinking of setting up a barbed wire mini-fence to protect the tree from junior and juniorette, who are a little keen on all those dangly bits...

Men of the World, Unite!

Me, I is a modern man, innit, a man about the house, a man whose work is never done, a man who is handy to have around. Yes indeedy, I know my way around the washing machine, the oven, even the dishwasher, and am a dab hand at sterilizing the baby bottles...but I digress...

Why is it that my t-shirts have disappeared into the black hole known as the laundry basket? Why have I had to resort to wearing my 1990's fcuk t-shirts to work, the ones every modern man back in Blighty now probably uses to clean his car windows...?

Could it be that mrs anglosaxy is in charge of the laundry? Yes it could. After a long glorious campaign, the keys of the laundry powder casket were recently handed over to the fairer sex. And we ain't impressed. Early promise has given way to feeble excuses. At this rate, I could be going to work clad in only my Mr Men boxers. In fact, once mrs. anglosaxy reads this, that possibility could well become reality...

But guys, we really know what goes down, don't we? We know, right? And before you slink off back under your thumbs, don't forget to take the rubbish out. And clean the frying pan. And pick up the kids' toys. And...and...and...and...

MixMatch

Tis the season...I rushed back from Open Spacey earlier this week, just in time to light the first Hanukkah candle, say a little prayer and stuff my face with a glazed, yet unoozing one. And then mrs. anglosaxy reeled off a couple of holiday songs, which Junior actually managed to sing along with (primed by his kindergarden I guess). And then she sighed and told me it was a little sad that I wasn't joining in with the singing. Never mind that if I knew the words I probably wouldn't have joined in...

I guess these are the woes of a "mixed" marriage, the holidays. With Christmas just around the corner, and me pining for it badly, my turn will come. OK, the missus enjoys Christmas, but she really has no idea about all the side dishes - the music, the food, the long build-up, the shopping, the alcohol what floweth, the decorations etc. For her, it usually means a fun afternoon in Tel Aviv (if she gets home early from work) or a trip to Blighty. And she probably doesn't really understand how I feel, especially when hearing Christmas choirs in the background when ancestors phone during their Christmas shopping splurge...

Now with the kids starting to understand what's what, especially Junior, I really want to show them what Christmas is all about. I can't really tell them about Hanukkah or Pessach or any other Jewish holiday, I think that task belongs to the missus. I'll celebrate with them of course, but won't be leading the chorus...I actually think the kids get the best deal out of it, they get double the holidays, double the presents from two sides of the family. Nothing wrong with that. I won't ever push religion down their throats, that's not my style, and when they're bigger they'll always have the right to choose not to celebrate any holiday they don't want to celebrate...

So this Christmas we might not be going home for Christmas but I'll be doing my best to make sure the anglosaxies have a great time and that Santa comes to visit...and - shhh, don't tell the littluns - after all these bleedin' Hanukkah doughnuts, I might be able to pull off a very fetching Santa...

Yep, I feckin' love Christmas...

Welcome to Haifa

I'm a doughnut

This week it's doughnut week here in Israel. You should know - the spelling of "Donut" is officially fattening. "Doughnut" is a much more healthier way of spending the Hanukkah week. And attempts to shorten words by 3 letters are taking the piss, so are now prohibited. And while we're on the subject - is it me, or are Israeli doughnuts just extremely tight-assed with their jam injection? I can remember many a Brit doughnut dripping with jam as you sunk yer teeth in...

I'm contemplating getting a huge tray of these buggars for my students today/tomorrow, I'm just scared I might end up scoffing any leftovers...

FisherKing

Hey Shiri...

OK, OK, so I didn't make it to the Depeche Mode party. Rumours of the place being packed to the rafters and with my anti-queue policy still holding fast, me and the missus decided to skip it. We somehow ended up at some exclusive birthday party down South Tel Aviv way, complete with a few Israeli celebs. There was maybe 60-70 people there, but everybody seemed to be a musician of some sort. And very gay. Girls going off into toilets two by two, while a posse of gay guys chatted harmlessly with the missus...we were probably the curiosity act, being straight and not musicians...

The great live band was constantly changing as drummers swapped, bass guitarists switched and singers came and went. One moment, there I was, swaying (note: not really bopping) along to the band, stood next to the Eurovision goddess Shiri (I think she might have bumped into me, the little stargazing strumpet), with Beetleman (the guy who plays the piano on the Israeli A Star is Born) on synths, while the singer from Portait belted out his one and only hit "Ver he akol mevina", one of my very favourite Israeli songs...A quite surreal moment. And yes, Shiri did belt out a few tunes, even a couple in English. Bless 'er.

Been a while since I last stopped out til 4 in the morning drinking my arse off, but it was a good one even without a Depeche Mode tune to be heard...

Tonight, I celebrate my love...

About as close as this country is ever going to get to them...

This is what I like about Israel...

Almost December and look at this...every Israeli sniggers when I say Israeli winters are like British summers, they have no idea...

*It says 12C because I snapped the screen at 8am.

Layoff with the compensation!

I have to say, I'm pleased I did things the way I did with Corridor Land. I've finally gotten me hands on a meaty cheque (actually 2) and am making plans on what to do with it...with ample help from the missus! With no need for a car now I have Open Spacey, there's an extra pile handy. Just about the right size for an exotic holiday...mmmm...where to go, where to go? England for Crimble? Nahhh...

A quick Thank You

Just like to give a quick "Thank You!" to all the people who sent me comforting emails, text messages, etc in regard to England's glorious European Championship failure...especially warming was Kinky's LOSERS email, accentuating his warmth in big, red 72 point font lettering. Also rather heartwarming was GBH's L text message. Yep, that's what he sent, the letter L. I won't mention the ribbing I got throughout the day, particularly at last night's family Bar Mitzva, where everyone and his dog took the piss. Especially touching was the moment I had to go to the stage with the missus to present the birthday boy (man?) with his present and on my way up somebody called out "Start supporting a decent country...".

Bastards the lot of you. Now, let me continue to sulk, please.

He gotta go!

Face it

I did it. I wilted under the pressure. Yesterday I went and joined Facebook. I'm still finding my feet and whoring myself to whoever will be my friend, but is this just the biggest waste of time ever invented? I can see the interest maybe lasting a couple of weeks, but after that...? I also see a use for it for the school, but, apart from that...

So, convince me that it's worth it...and come and be my friend, please...he he! Drop me an email and we'll whore together...at least for a couple of weeks...

What the hell am I? #38

CumonIsrael!

OK, so it's time to get out the ol' blue and white scarf and rattle and to cheer on Israel later this afternoon against the Ruskies. A defeat for the Holy Landers means England's hopes of making it to next year's Euro Finals will be buggered. Of course, England don't really deserve to make it through, but to watch a major tournament and not have them there will be, well, just not cricket. Local rags are going with lots of oligarch stories, seems to be a lot of dollars being waved about perilously close to the Israeli team - but they're Israeli, they're above all of that, of course, and I can almost guarantee a non-corrupted performance. Or maybe not. Oh yeh.

And while we're on the subject, aren't the Arse simply devine at the moment? Top of the league and strutting some fine stuff. It's a shame we have to watch some of this international crap instead of some real footie...

One to the Ella

Happy First Birthday Smiley Princess!

Month 2 almost over

Soon moving into my third month at Open Spacey, things are beginning to take shape. And I'm not too convinced I like the shape...OK, most of the people are actually awright innit, and usually respond to a "Morning!" or whatever other greeting I can chuck at them, and I've actually had more "shared" lunches with these guys than I had in all my years at Corridor Land.

But...there's a few things that I ain't too keen on. I won't get too specific, but the product I have to document is a motherfucker. A tedious motherfucker. If I tell you that in the current monster of a user guide (300 pages) there is approx. 30 images, the rest is text, code, tables etc etc...so you can imagine, it ain't too user friendly. I told the boss that after a week sitting on it I still have no idea how it works. He replied that if I know something after 2 years it'll be good...There's also a ton of work on other smaller products and they just keep piling it on...don't they know it just ain't me? I've actually got to work at this place and I just ain't used to it...

It's also very startuppey, which is something I always wanted. But that means you're on your own a lot more - for example, no pampering from IT departments who'd quickly slot in some RAM if I needed it. Here I have to go find a screwdriver, get on my hands and knees and do it myself. I better not mention the software cracks, coz that's Israeli startups for you...

So, all in all, still not sure. But really not intending to make this my home for a serious amount of time, so not too worried...it pays the bills for now and the school is growing in the meantime, so...

My weekend II

More pix from the Love Boat. I won't mention the bottle of Bushmills I downed, because you might get the wrong impression...and as for the Ugly Israeli, this cruise was awash with 'em. Fuck me, quite amazing. The whisky helped...

A temporary honorary Turk

The Med

Get your haircut here. And a tattoo. At the same time.

Turkish port city of Alanya

Turkish port city of Alanya

Ship fare

My weekend

My birthday weekend...spent on a booze, er, I mean cruise, to Turkey...more pix to come.

Windy

A Jeroosalem windy.

Eye candy!

Well, my advertising campaign has finally borne some fruit. This week I had two female adult students sign up, one an ex-aerobics instructor, the other a very cute student, in her late 20's. After some of the ugly buggars I've had to sit opposite over the last year or so, this is a welcome change! It's when they leave me messages that they "need me" (er, for my English expertease, he he) that it all seems to be worth it...Am I allowed to flirt? Very unprofessional, but, well, it's all part of the job being management, innit...

F*cked up

'Scuse my French alert...

Yep, sometimes this country is just so fucked up. Yesterday, for example, saw two things that really pissed me off...

Firstly, Rabin's assassin being able to conduct his son's brit on the anniversary of Rabin's death. I think I already promised no more politics this year, but this story...what the fuck were they thinking when granting him conjugal visits way back when? Didn't somebody think that this might possibly happen, that they might just want to have their own little private party on such a momentous date? Now every year it won't just be Yigal Amir's face on the front pages of newspapers, it'll also be his son's (I have a feeling they won't be holding back on the anonymity). I'm sorry, I'm all for rehabilitation and justice and equal rights etc etc etc, but in this case, fuck civil rights.

Ahhh, now I feel better, sorry...

On a lesser note, I visited the tax offices in Tel Aviv yesterday. I'll admit, the speed at which I was in and out of there amazed me, truly fucking amazed me, but why was I there in the first place? That's right, because a largish cheque is on its way to me via the insurance company (the layoff compensation from Corridor Land) and the tax authorities want to know exactly how much and what I intend to do with it...I was all ready to give them this line about buying lots of "sex, drugs and rock'n'roll", but alas, they never asked. They just gave my lots of paperwork to hand over to the insurance company to let them know that it's ok, they can give me my money...it's a new law apparently, but really, what the fuck?

What the hell am I? #37

October-fest

October has been a slog. I don't think I've ever worked so hard in all my life...I ain't bitching, but seriously, it was a toughie. Apart from the 70% position at the new Corridor Land (let's call it Open Spacey and yes, I've actually put in some work!), I've also been getting much busier at the school, which, only this last week has been getting help from a great Teach. I also took on a freelance writing job, through a friend, which is just about done but which should pull in some nice bucks. I was also lined up to take some more pix for the mag I shot for a few weeks back, but thank Christ that got cancelled...

My old pal O asked me if I am greedy - I don't think so, I just saw the freelance job as some easy money, which it has been, if I get paid...as for the school, that's my main concern at the moment, and if I want it to grow I will only get busier. Open Spacey is my main income but I have no sentiments and no real intention of making it a career, so, for now, it's bacon on the table, as they say...

But yes, I'll be cashing the cheque, thank you very much

Had a bit of an earful from a mother last week. She seemed a tad disappointed that her son didn't pass a test at school. Her son has some serious LD issues, which I said I'd try and see if I might be able to overcome. But I couldn't. I did try, I was very patient, and he enjoyed the lessons, but he needs expert help.

But his mum was pissed, she seemed to think that the last 3 months were a waste of time. Frankly, after one lesson when chatting with me and revealing that he won't let her see the homework I gave him (and which he hardly ever did), I think she's the one who's been a waste of time...never mind, I think my lesson from this is not to take on everybody and anybody.

Her custom is gone, but the cheque will be banked this week. I was almost tempted to rip it up because of my morals, innit, but fuck it, I tried, I worked hard with this kid. The money is mine. No?

Walking it

5 in 3

Yep, I've had 5 little beauties in three months.

It started all Japanese-like with a real little goer, but then I was seduced by the charms of an Italian, who, despite being "mature", still had plenty to offer. Easy to control too...before a fling with a temperamental French filly brought me back down to earth. This week I had a little affair with a Malaysian lass, what can I say, despite my fetish for all things Asian, she was a little boring. And now, finally, someone with whom I can speak English - an American babe, actually ex-Brit, or perhaps not, I'm not really sure...

Mrs anglosaxy got to meet them all, by the way, she was rather fond of the French filly, silly girl...

I can just tell...

This probably sounds ravingly racist, and tarring with brushes-like, but I've had it with the Yemenite population of smallsville. After my recent ad-fest, I've had a number of calls, some from the old part of smallsville which is largely populated by Yemens. Now if I tell you, for those of you who don't know, that Yemens in Israel are about as renowned for splashing the cash as those tight-fisted Scots, it might give you an inkling...

They just live in a different era. An era when once they were royally screwed over by the powers that be in Israel, and ever since, they have a feeling that they are still being screwed and by God, they aren't going to stand for it...some of the adults I've interviewed and tested have some huuuuge chips on their shoulder, and as soon as I mention the price I see an instant change in their persona. As though they sense I'm trying to stiff them out of their hard-earned cash. If you think I'm expensive, I'm not, especially when compared to Tel Aviv.

And those Yemens that call by phone are just the same (I picked up their accent a long time ago after going out with a Yemen girl - feck me, Yemen girls are craaaazy!). They ummm and they arrr, but I just know that they'll never turn up for the interview or test or lesson we schedule. As soon as I hear that accent, I now automatically switch off. Not one Yemen that came or phoned lasted more than one lesson, if they even came for that. I did have one potential stereotype-breaker, but she never turned up for the second lesson, and wouldn't answer my calls, despite my building her a personalized Business English course. Fucker.

Let's face it, they just waste my time. They were never part of my target population anyway, because of their tight-fisted reputation, so I don't feel like I'm losing out, at all. I'll be sticking with their delish jachnuns and malawachs, but as for my school, they can forgedabowtit...

Spot the Dummy

On the blink

The ol'gogglebox is on the blink, innit. No more Dora, no more Albert Square, no more footie...sssshhh, it's awful quiet...and don't let the washing machine know because what with the computer crashing on me and still AWOL, and now the old box, I'm beginning to think it's an appliance conspiracy...

C'mon INGERLUND!!

Swing Low Sweet Chariot...

I stand by my prediction of a last-minute Jonny try.

Tel Aviv - an October portrait

This picture sums it all up for me...

Saving your penis pennies...

Had a lesson with two of my favourite Ruskie adults. Very educated, very hi-tech. Wanting to practice their conversational English. So, one lesson, there we were, talking about money. I came up with some proverbs: money doesn't grow on trees, time is money, and then I came up with saving your pennies for a rainy day...

*funny looks*
*smiles*
*giggles*
*breaks out into laughter*

I was bemused. WTF was so funny? They just couldn't look me in the eyes without cracking up. I was starting to get paranoid, so asked them what was so funny. Tear-filled eyes looked at me, before darting away amid another onslaught of giggles...finally, one of them managed to break the loop and with a great sigh, blurted out: "I don't know about you, but I don't save my penis only for rainy days..."

Once I twigged, I was there rolling around on the floor with them...guess you had to be there...

What the hell am I? #36

Anyone for rugger?

Not a great rugby fan, it has to be said. But tonight's semi-final nail-biter over France in Le Crunch had me on the edge of my seat, quite literally. Never mind that the commentary was in French and littered with Ohh la la and Souperrrrb! and even Jonny Wilkinson, monsieur monsieur...it still had me inspired and made me feel just a tad proud to be English, me ol' China. Can they hold on to their world crown? Yes, I think they bloody well can...

Talking of manky...

Had something manky a couple of days ago, it completely wiped me out yesterday and today I'm still afraid to fart. I think I've narrowed it down to these suspects:

• A freshly opened packet of muesli
• The last few drops of a milk carton
• A banana
• Some very tasty chicken liver

However, if I was to say that the chicken liver came from an Arab restaurant next to smallsville, would that make it the likely contender? I'll just be glad to get my farting skills back...

You can't go wrong with a...

...tuna sandwich.

Just thought I'd share one of my pearls of wisdom, because, come on, have you ever had a manky tuna sandwich? Is it even possible to fuck up the ingredients of a tuna sandwich?

'Er Upstairs

Remember the neighbour from upstairs who was quite disgusted at our barren flowerpot? Well, she stopped talking to the missus, as she obviously found it very hard to communicate with such lowlife. I can just imagine her dinner discussions with her hubbie...

Anyway, to appease the missus, who likes to be neighbourly, we planted some new flowers in the pot. Very tasty the inner gardener in me says...and, as you can probably tell, no need for watering (being plastic n'all)! However, the snooty neighbour still isn't talking to us, which is very alarming, I'm not sure if we'll be able to stay in this flat if we aren't on good terms with her. Hee hee.

Some students are delish!

My newest student happens to own this. He's promised to bring some of these to the lessons. I told him he doesn't need to bring me any of these.

"Ello Mads, fancy a cuppa?"

Spotted this last week in the Hebrew press. Looks like Madonna is checking out a pad in the building right next door to me. Don't worry, it's not that I live in an exclusive neighborhood, it's just that the building next to me (yeh, I can almost touch it) is a rather lush complex. My paparazzi lens is coming out of its box...

Unbelievable

Two months after I officially leave Corridor Land (let's face it, my heart took the first bus out way back when...), they go and get bought by a huge American corporation. You might have seen it on the Israeli web, it was big financial news for a couple of days, though I didn't see anything on the TV news about it...

My first reaction was: Holy Fuck! Somebody actually paid money to buy them! My second reaction was: Holy Fuck! Maybe I missed out on a bumper bonus! My third reaction was: Fuck it! The likelihood of getting any bonus from these guys was pretty much nil. My final reaction: Fuck 'em! I'm much better off without 'em...

I still have the opportunity to buy stock options in the company, but seriously, I think I have much better things to spend my money on...

What the hell am I? #35

*bumpity bump*

Squat Me!

You have a tenant, who for the last 5 years has been paying his rent. Suddenly, he stops paying and, despite repeated promises, fails to pay. In a pow-wow to defuse the situation, he declares that the house is now his and that you can go feck yourselves. What would you do?

This is not happening to the anglosaxies fortunately, but to some good friends. I have no idea what sort of rights squatters have in Israel, but to me this screams out a get the heavies in to kick some shit out of people-like scenario...I should point out that heavies have already been sent round to intimidate, without any violence, but as the tenant is taking the piss still further, extreme measures are needed. No?

You gotta roll with it

I spent some of this afternoon rolling down a grassy hill in a Jerusalem park, my little boy wrapped in my arms giggling his heart away. Don't call me a pussy, but I need more afternoons like this...

Hatfani!

Right, this is starting to drive me nuts! That bloody Dora the Explorer, she's infiltrating everywhere...it's getting to the point where you'll be sitting next to a parent and she'll be warning her little sprog that if she doesn't eat up all her brussel sprouts (let's just pretend...) then that little foxy fella will come and swipe 'em. Swiper, or Hatfani (his name in Hebrew). Hat-feckin-fani. And yes, junior and juniorette are addicted to Dora. Juniorette even gets all jiggy with it when they start singing...

Now, I have one question connected with this bleedin' Hatfani. In Hebrew, whenever Swiper gets close Dora pipes up with: Hatfani, asur leha Lekhtof! This has been bugging me for ages - but what does she say to Swiper in the English version? Please, someone, put me out of my misery...I have a Dora bedtime story for junior in Hebrew and I translate it to, well, I'm not going to tell you...

NewB

The new Corridor Land is OK. The writing is a lot more technical, that's for sure, and there is a helluva lot more work, but the place does have some decent pluses, when compared to the ol'place. People that actually say Hello to you in corridors, global reps sending warm welcomes via email, a boss that swears his arse off more than me...one thing that I'm not so sure about is blogging on company time, what with the area of security they are involved in...so, limited blogging updates from work in the meantime. Look, there's a few things that don't strike me as particularly great (shite computer to start with - I have the office zonna, the PC that has been with everybody), but all places have their shit, right?

What is harder (make that: impossible) is getting back into the serious Tech Writer mindset, but at least I'm trying my best to fit in, I'm actually quite a joy, I think...

Cough up to catch it

I'm getting more and more pissed with this - the amount of money I have to pay to watch a game of decent English footie. I don't see it being mentioned by any of the English language media over here (too many Yanks innit), though I'm sure it's mentioned endlessly in the Hebrew press...

Year by year, the TV guys have steadily erroded the number of freebie games. From once watching Arsenal almost every week, to paying for the odd live game last season, it's now got to the point where I have to pay for a whole new channel, ending up costing me two or three times as much. And with the Champions League kicking off this week, it's now got even better, with Arsenal v Sevilla (surely one of the most attractive games of the week?) featuring on yet another new channel...

Not sure what it's like in Blighty, but I'm pissed...

The city of the future

A couple of nights ago you'd have found me propping up the bar at Murphy's, in Modiin, accompanied by GBH. My first real visit to the town, but from all those shiny lights (er, it was nighttime) and from what I could gather from an enthusiastic GBH, the city of the future as it's known over here is a great place to live. And seems to be getting better by the month, including a new rail service that has just started. I even caught my first Israeli train for some 10 years or so from Modiin (last train back to Tel Aviv), was a nice experience up until the looney Maccabee Tel Aviv supporters boarded. Not too sure it's the kind of place I'd want to live, but it sure is expanding. Maybe room for a future branch of the anglosaxy English school?

September time

I like September.
Hell yeh, maybe even this September (after a few beers of course)...

Ba de ya - dancing in September
Ba de ya - golden dreams were shiny days

I'm not sure if it's down to the fact that every year I take a nostalgic look back and think If only I hadn't got on that boat...yeh, 17 years ago today I stepped onto Holy Land soil for the first time. Mazal Tov to me, eh?

But something about September just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. Just like the moment when Tom Cruise gets his girl on the train in Risky Business, accompanied by the swirling chimes of Tangerine Dream.

You know what I'm talking about right? Those slightly cooler days and nights, breezes picking up, emptier beaches, sunsets getting earlier and earlier, specks of rain blotting the windscreen...that smell of autumn...I love it.

Fearless

The new Corridor Land gig starts real soon, and to tell you the truth, I've hardly even thought about it. Not sure if it's a good thing, but I'm just concentrating on the salary, the car...however, and didn't you just know there's a however, one sentence uttered to me by my boss about the car leasing deal has been zipping around inside my head the last couple of days:
"One guy here is paying more than anybody else, but, sssshhhh, we don't want him to find out about that..."
Oh dear.

Happy New Year!

For all my Jewish readers, have a good one! For all you heathens, that be apple and honey in the pic, to ensure a sweet start to the year, innit. Don't know about sweet, sure is going to be a lot of alcohol in my blood by the end of the night...and what are the chances I can slip out at 10pm to catch the England game...?

Wish you were here...?

With what looks like a failed strike on Syria, and people "who know" (I know someone who knows something...) hinting that something is about to kick off, it's all good round here, innit. I say nuke each other to bits and then we won't have to go through all those nervy sirens again. A bright flash and then Good Night!

And with neo-Nazis (neo-feckin'-Nazis?!?) running around splashing their swastikas on all and sundry (but mainly on the sundry), and a dispirited Israeli football team (oooh, this must be hard to read if you're an Israeli fan, hee hee) having to sit out a month before having a chance to redeem themselves...well, it's all a bundle of laughs, as you can tell.

At least on Wednesday night it's the Jewish New Year, shindig at the mum-in-laws place as usual. Complete with 60 guests and 20 odd kids screaming and shouting all night...oooh luverly...might just be saved by the England game, if it's on anywhere...?

Ingerluuuund!

Yep, England v Israel again, tomorrow night, this time in the luverly new Wemberlee. With the cream of England's finest on the sidelines, Israel smells blood. Personally, I've never felt so disinterested about an England team, might just be down to all those chavtastic players and a coach who seems, yet again, to have his head up his arse. Of course, I want England to crush Israel, but if Israel manage a feisty draw, I won't be disappointed, or shocked.

So what say you? I'm going for a 3-0 win for the Kilkenny...

Sizzle sizzle

Ooooh, mind where you put yer hands - I'm sizzling, baby...sizzling!

After the last few weeks bumming it, and after the bank called to point out that the old overdraft was creaking under the strain, I decided (via a push and a prod from the missus) to look for a way back into technical writing. Minimum hours, of course, so the English school can still blossom.

So there I was, in a conference room in a standard modern office block, in smallsville of all places. My first job interview, and not really anticipating a result. But after greeting the Tech Writer I'll be working with, and my future boss, I had a good feeling, almost tingly. And was it me, or did they seem desperate to snap me up? WTF - who gets an offer at the end of an hour long interview these days? They're a young crowd, very small local branch of a US company, opportunities to go to China and other countries to visit the R&D departments located there, more money than the old Corridor Land...what the fuck more can I ask for? OK, so they're giving me less vacation days but...I signed the contract, starting in a few days.

Not entirely sure this'll help the school, but I'll be free in the afternoons/evenings, so should be OK. If it doesn't work out, I can just quit, right? No more pissing about over layoff payoffs etc etc

Viva La New Corridor Land!

Don't shoot the Messenger

I've got a new student who likes to study at home. He likes his home comforts, his mug of coffee next to him, feet perched on the coffee table. So how do I manage to teach him? Of course, using Live Messenger (Microsoft Messenger)! A PC to PC call, via a headset, and we're blabbing on like nobody's business...you've gotta love the technology! I even get to teach him in my leather underhosen, feet perched on the table, with my steaming mug of beer beside me. Of course, I always make sure the webcam is switched off...

Phewwwwwwww

Thank feck for that!

The start of September (already?!) means we can finally hand junior back to the kindergarden! Don't get me wrong, lurve the little fella to bits, but the last two weeks have been feckin' crazy! And doesn't half of the country come to a standstill in those two weeks, all kindergardens in Israel seem to close for those final two weeks of August, bloody amazing! I hadn't noticed before, but this year we've moved into another dimension...wowweeee...

What with juniorette in tow (her nanny has been on holiday the last two weeks and looks like she won't be returning), 6 or 7 hours alone with the both of them is hard work. We did it in shifts - I'd go and teach or the missus would go to work - so me and the missus hardly got to saw each other. Maybe that was a good thing, I can hear her muttering...

Arsenalski?

Looks like the Russians are starting to take a serious interest in my boys. Not sure I like it...never mind the French revolution, "dirty" money just seems, well, un-Arsenal (but very Chelski...just how will I ever be able to joke about Chelski again?!). And wasn't the new stadium supposed to generate all the extra income they'd ever need? So why all this talk about takeovers needed to raise more money - would Arsene ever spend it anyway? Not exactly breeding stability at the moment is it? Hmmpphh.

Confrontation with a babe

A couple of days ago I went to collect the car from the missus' place of work. Never mind that she'd parked in front of somebody, completely blocking them off, it's the "done thing" in their car park. Anyway, I was getting in the car at the same time as the blocked driver, a babe amongst babes. She didn't look too happy, but fuck it, I didn't park the car in front of her...

I hadn't even buckled my seat belt before she'd started: "Pharrrrp! Pharrrrp!" [ That wasn't the beans I've just eaten, that's her horn ]. I looked in the mirror and gave her a steely gaze. She wasn't to be put off. "Pharrrrp! Pharrrrp!" Right you gorgeous wee thing, methinks, this calls for an Italian style go-slow...

So I crawled out of the car park, knowing that behind me a certain wee lassie was probably just about to blow a gasket, as there was no way she could pass me. I got to the road and managed to piss her off even further by failing to edge out quickly enough into the traffic hurtling by..."Pharrrrp! Pharrrrp!" Oooh dear, my foot just wouldn't hit the gas...

Eventually we both made it out, though her efforts to cut round me were met with a quick lurch of the steering wheel to the left. I am such a cad. And didn't she let me know it at the next traffic lights. She pulled up alongside, wound her window down (ok, nobody winds windows anymore...) and gave me a right earful. Her beauty almost won me over, before my head kicked into gear. A swift "Fuck off, you stupid cow" in my bestest awright guv'nor British accent left her speechless, before she let rip with a "Metumtam" and a screech of tyres.

Aye, she wasn't half gorgeous. And feisty too, nothing like 'em...just can't hack it when they're like that behind the wheel...

The 10 most pointless jobs in Israel...

1. Summer weather forecaster (er, it's going to be very hot again tomorrow...)


2. Rush hour radio reporter (oh yeh, lots of alternative routes in this huge country...)


3. Petrol station pump attendant (spoil the locals even more, go on!)


4. Street cleaner (love those leaf/dust blowers...)


5. Security guards at the entrances to shopping malls (though those mature Russian geezers might just disagree...)


6. Policemen accompanying road workers (really, why are they there?)


7. Driving instructors (you can see that their instruction truly works...)


8. Israel Premier League coaches (come on, why do they bother? Er, I guess they don't...)


9. Technical writer (who reads those feckin' manuals?)


10. Public school English teacher (aaah, the private English teaching bizz is flourishing...)

B right back

* Not one of my pics but I thought it was a cracker.

Crest of a wave

Lately I've been having a very good feeling about the school and its potential. Might have been down to the fact that I've been selling myself and my dream to interviewee teachers over the last few weeks, or it might just be down to the steady flow of students over the summer (I didn't think I'd be teaching over the summer, but amazingly it's worked out pretty much the same hours as pre-summer). Whatever the reason, I've decided to go upscale.

What does "upscale" mean? Well, for starters, today saw the first of 6 full page ads in the local smallsville rag. Very profesh ads they are too [ we're not worthy stance directed towards my graphics designer, the missus ], the local rag's editor was well impressed. Gonna cost an arm and a leg, but I think it'll be worth it. I realise that the whole town needs to know who I am, otherwise it's going to be a much slower process. I don't think I have the patience to see the business grow by 5-6 students a year. What with the almost dead-cert likelihood of taking on a teach or 2, it needs to expand, and not next year...So, the ads are done, the teachers interviewed, the flyers printed and currently being distributed by a couple of keen students of mine...all is looking good, all is feeling good.

Something I've realised over the last few weeks - I really enjoy running the show, making the decisions, thinking of new marketing strategies etc etc. The teaching aspect interests me less now, though obviously some students are a whole lot more fun than others which can make it a joy. I wasn't born to work in an office, that much I know...though I will be returning to technical writing real soon, for the extra dosh unfortunately (more on that real soon)...hopefully not for too long...

I'm not expecting a "gold rush", but if I don't have 50-60 students by the end of 2007 I will be dead disappointed. Disappointed enough to consider my options. I'm currently in the 30-40 area, though over the summer most of the kids haven't been in. September/October is the time when things will kick into gear...

It almost feels like I'm sat on my board, just about to catch a killer wave, not sure whether it's going to carry me along and take me safely back to shore or just wipe me out...whatever happens, I think the next few weeks/months will be one hell of a fuckin' ride!

My Wednesday

6am-12pm: Solely in charge of changing nappies, picking up spat out food and having junior use my ribcage as a trampoline.

2pm-10pm: Teaching English, allegedly. 8 hours of lessons, all 1 on 1s. Pretty bleedin' mindnumbingly boring...

Take me for a beer, please...someone, somewhere...

Across the street

Something fairly new to me with the new neighbourhood is the ability to become a fully fledged voyeur by just looking out of your window at the neighbour across the street. I know that Tel Aviv is, er, paradise for sardines, but this is the first time I've come across this...we can see right into this guy's place, pretty much all day, every day. Aaah, if only he was a Miri clone...

What with the large windows in this neck of the 'hood, I know what time he wakes up, how many beers are left in the fridge, and that he cleans the house way too regularly. I thought I knew (or make that, we thought, coz the missus was adamant - perhaps it's his meticulous cleaning habits...) that he batted for the other side, but after this weekend, his preferences seem to have swung rather more conservatively. Though maybe he was just temporarily swinging it.

And being full time voyeurs leads to some very surreal moments - last week I was taking junior to the park around the corner when we suddenly found ourselves face to face with the neighbour, out walking his dog. Though we've never spoken, there was a male grunting of acknowledgment before junior pounced and gave his dog a kiss on the nose. Kids, eh? Born ice breakers...

Of course, this voyeuristic approach has a down side - we can obviously be seen too. I keep telling mrs anglosaxy not to prance around in her leather catsuit and to hide the whip for Christ's sake, but to no avail...I have a feeling she's become an Internet star somewhere out there but for all my trawling of porn sites, purely for the, er, purposes of research, I still haven't come across her, or us...

What the hell am I? #34

Crash!!!

My computer at home decided to throw up a Windows could not start because it is a fucking piece of shite error message a couple of mornings ago...so I'm relying on the laptop for the next few days until I get round to fixing it...

Been busy round these parts - new technical writing job almost sealed (oh gawd...I know, I know, but this one looks goooood, I'll reveal all when I sign the contract), school just about to explode with a series of costly advertising campaigns, interviewing teachers etc etc et bloody cetera...and it's likely to be an even busier next 2 weeks because the kindergardens close over here so a rampant junior will have to be taken care of AND the nanny is off for a month to sunny Canada so juniorette will be crawling this way n'that...anyone free for babysitting, hee hee?

National Portrait Gallery III

* click to big

Not many things scare me...

...but truck drivers with 190 previous traffic convictions scare the bejesus out of me. Fucker.

New Arse

Ooooh lush! That time of the year again, when football widows sigh heavily and stare into the bottom of their wine glasses. OK, actually it started yesterday, but for us gooners, it's today...

I won't give any predictions, as I always get it wrong. As for the Arsenal, I can't help feeling a little sad that most of the Arsenal players that were truly great over the last 8 or so years (aaahhh, the Invincibles) have moved on. This summer has seen the last of the truly classy players leave Arsenal - no more Thierry (sorry Tel, your Corridor Land poster was binned), no more Freddie...and it now seems to be in the hands of the younger players, some of whom are very much still in nappies.

Keep the faith keep the faith, I tell myself, but if I'm honest, I have to say they are missing a ton of experience. The optimism that has always met the opening day of the season is a little waned this time around, and I can't help feeling that they are falling behind some of the other top teams...and perhaps even ready to be overtaken by some of the mid-table teams...like, God forbid, [ spit, spit ] Spurs.

So, plenty of beer will have to be consumed these next few weekends, plenty of Irish pubs visited on a Saturday/Sunday afternoon...just hope my rose-tinted specs will be up for the job...

National Portrait Gallery II

* click to big

Fame - right here is where I start working...

Last week the mag for which I took a few pix was published. My first pix ever published, I even got my name mentioned (incorrectly mind, and edited for your eyes only). Pretty chuffed me is. Though the quality of the pix, and the whole mag (according to my digital printing expert, mrs. anglosaxy) leaves a little to be desired, I'm feckin' happy. Click to big if you want to see them in more detail, and read the ever so exciting article.

Sounds of fatherhood

"Daddy! Daddy!"

Spppppllllaaaaattttttt!!!

[ a waterfall of vomit hits the floor as junior stands in his bed, a little shocked at the torrent of carrot-flavored horror he has just unleashed...]

Night of the Leprechauns

Ouch!
Don't think those Laphroaig chasers were a very good idea...

What the hell am I? #33

I could have reached out and...

Yesterday was spent by the pool of a local country club (in Israel every swimming pool that has a bit of grass next to it is called a country club). The beach is a bit hot and sandy these days, especially for juniorette, so we, er, roughed it...glad we did, because one of my favourite homo sapiettes was there, strutting around in a skimpy bikini.

When she sat down next to the kiddies pool, I realised that she was sat right next to my flipflops, strategically placed as always. So I casually sauntered over in her direction, being very careful not to stare or drool too much. As I wiggled the flipflops on to my feet, thoughts of accidentally-on-purpose slipping on the wet floor to fall ever-so-dramatically into her arms ran through my head, but as the missus was watching, I thought better of it...

I lurve the summer!

National Portrait Gallery I

Some real Israelis for you, alive and kicking. And not like those Israelis you'll see on the BBC...(ooooohh). More to come.

* click to big (do you really want to...?)

Am I being served?

Yes, I think I am.

Which, let's face it, is quite a novelty in this country. In my many years here I've never seen such good, competent service (bleedin' 'eck, I sound like a Daily Mail reader). But Tami 4 get the thumbs up, the little buggars. Just yesterday afternoon they delivered the new water filter (supposed to be replaced every 6 months). With no prompting from us, no calls, no Internet query, nada. Most impressive was the little PDA thingee the delivery guy pulled out, on which I signed via his dainty little PDA stylus pen thingee. A first for me, don't know about you.

From the very first telephone call they've been spot on. Even brought a range of color options when installing. When we moved house, they were here sharpish the same day to ensure we had filtered water in the new pad (we ain't posh, it's coz the littl'uns, honest guv). And when there was a fault a few weeks back, they were here within 30 minutes of our call. Very Israeli, eh?

Pure luck or are Tami 4 a rose amongst thorns...?

It's all about learnin', innit

Some things I've learned the last few days...

• I miss the luxury of the Corridor Land Mazda 3...I'm currently motoring around in a Fiat Punto borrowed from the missus' company. The gears are manky and there's no CD player, but it gets me around, which is the main idea, right?
  
• There are some strange individuals out there calling themselves English teachers (I'm interviewing...)
• There are a ton of tourists (but more local than international?) in Tel Aviv, even in the lower end hotels.
• My kids are top class bundles of joy.
• Some people who are supposed to be managing your financial future really have no fucking clue...
• Phone-in quizzes have arrived to daytime TV in Israel.
  
• Even with the air conditioner fired up, I sweat when slumped naked, or rather topless, on the sofa.
• I gots me another photo gig this week.
  
• Beer is good. Very good.

The chickens strike again

Another round of chicken pox strikes the anglosaxies. This time it's little juniorette. Lots of angry red spots everywhere...bless her little cotton socks.

Only in Israel

Set up a drinkie session with me old pal GBH.
A few hours before we're supposed to meet, he calls me.
"Sorry anglosaxy, gonna have to cancel. My sister's been bitten by a scorpion and I'm off to the hospital to see her..."

Pinkie II

The same bunch of pink flowers, from the other side...